Saturday, June 30, 2012

I am pissed off today.

Pissed off at Terry/Tammy, but that's for another blog.

Pissed off at the scale.  I've been working my a$$ off all week, and it actually went up.  I'm getting sick of playing this game.  Work hard to see the opposite of what you are working for.  Give me a friggin break!

Pissed off at my body that's aching today.

Pissed off that even though I've worked so hard, and am aching, the scale still went up this week.

Pissed off at always being hungry because of this cleansing diet.

I am taking a day off from exercise soon.  I was planning on doing it tomorrow, but now I'm tempted to do it today.

I know.  I won't get anywhere if I throw in the towel and let this kind of anger dictate my next actions.


The reality is the sun is shining out today.  The birds are singing.  Lee wants to go for a bike ride.  Maybe I should get dressed and go with him.  Then go straight into my daily run.  Just get it all over with all at once.

It could be raining later today, or even tomorrow.  There is no good reason to not go today.  The only thing standing in my way is my attitude, and today it's a bad one.

The worst part, I think I know why I'm not loosing weight.  And that pisses me off even more.  I KNOW what's going on, and here I'm letting it happen.  Okay, so I'm not just letting it happen.  I am struggling to find things I can eat on this cleansing diet.  Since I'm struggling with it so much, I'm skipping my snacks.  I'm hungry throughout the day.  My body is in starvation mode.  So even though I'm burning over 1000 calories more than I'm consuming every day (often closer to 1500), I'm not loosing any weight.

I NEED to adjust this.  I NEED to find healthy snacks.  I need to eat more.  Especially if I'm going to keep stepping up my fitness.  I don't want to back down from my exercise.  It's going to do my body a lot more good to keep exercising and just eat more, than it will to back off the fitness.

I found a recipe to make sweet potato chips - oven roasted of course.  I just need to get a slicer that can handle slicing those things.  They are HARD!  I am thinking of ordering one for my Kitchenaid, but it'll take about 2 weeks to get here.  I wish I had it now.  I might go to Walmart and see what I can find there.  Or maybe the shredder I have has a slicer side to it.  I never thought of that before.  Hmmm.  Guess I can go look.  I can make do with that until I can get another one.  I also have a recipe for a chipotle dipping sauce for them.  Yummy!  It sounds like a nice snack, and not overly calorie laden.

I still need to find more snack items, but I think this might be a good start.

June 29 BodyMedia



Really knocked it out of the park yesterday with the calorie deficit.  Not too bad considering I didn't really feel like running at all.  That second walk yesterday evening really put it over the top, for everything. 

But I did eat too few calories.  Gotta watch that more closely.

Friday, June 29, 2012

I feel like I'm loosing it. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

This cleansing diet is supposed to be good for me. I NEED to do it, to test for food allergies. And I understand how it should be better for me.

But why don't I feel better? I guess I kind of do, but what little better I'm feeling, I'm overwhelmed with the stress from the dietary changes, withdrawals, and general hunger.

I have to admit I am also getting downright angry.

I am sick of going into a grocery store, and not finding anything I can really eat. I have freggies, chicken, etc. But I need snack items. I am starving, for lack of snacks.

It seems every single commercially prepared "snack" item has dairy, sugar, eggs, wheat, or some other dietary item I can not have.



I'm getting sick of hearing from others how "easy" this should be. How "good for me" this is. You know what? You try it. You try to find a way to feed yourself with these kind of dietary restrictions. Seriously. Try and not be hungry all the time.

Yes, I can eat almost any vegetable, and most fruit. Have you ever tried to have those as the staples of your diet? Let me tell you, you are often just plain hungry. And no matter how much you like a certain fruit or vegetable, you can quickly get sick of it. Very VERY quickly.



And the next person who tells me when I am out and about that "we have salads". I'll hurt them.



Wow. If only I could really do that. I do have a boxing bag in the garage. Maybe it's time to learn how to do that. But I can't see myself having enough energy to actually do it.



I have spent the last two days debating going off my cleansing diet. I need to be on it for a full 3 weeks before I can test for food allergies. But before I test for food allergies, I have some cleansing I need to do. My naturopath is sending me some regiments for bacterial clean-up in my gut. The first will take 2 weeks. The second 4-6weeks. Once those are done, I'll be ready to test for food allergies.

So that's 2 more months before I can test anyway.

I have cheated a bit - I had some cheese in stuffed mushrooms - 3 in total over 2 days earlier this week.

Maybe it's time to consider expanding what I'm eating. At least for the next month. Then I can get back onto the full strict cleansing diet for the last month, and be ready to start to test for food allergies when all is done.

I just don't know. In an ideal world, I'd figure out how to make this work. Take full advantage of the weight loss that is going to accompany this dietary change. And yes, it will. I am running again. I need to do it to keep myself from loosing my mind. I'm falling into a depression again as well, so I NEED to run.

So why can't I make it an ideal world? It's my choice right? I just need to figure out what to do. What can I snack on that doesn't break the nutritional rules? I am already making my own tomato sauces, BBQ sauces, non-dairy ice creams without added sugar. I'm sure I can figure this out.

But then why is it so hard???

Day 23 Update

Okay.  Something's gotta give.  I am still having sugar fits like crazy.  Not all the time, but enough is enough. 

Obviously what I'm doing isn't working.  So what should I be doing differently?  I am eating so many fruit, I can't possibly eat anymore.  I eat easily 3 cups of chopped fruit in salads daily, plus any I add to things like my breakfast - about 1/4 cup of dried berries.  I also add frozen berries to the smoothie I make after supper every day.  I am getting sick of fruit already. 

What else?  I can't just live on  the smoothies I am making.  I figure one a day is MORE than enough.  They have home made dairy free ice cream with no added sugar, frozen berries (again no added sugar), and soy milk.  It helps with my ice cream and sugar cravings.  But there's no way I'm going to start eating only them.

There has to be another way to deal with this. 

Maybe this sugar thing is all in my mind.  I am starting to realize I've got some emotional stuff going on in the background too.  Guess it's time to blog that garbage out.

But for this blog, I need to come up with some concrete ideas of how to deal with this.  I can't even have a snack.  I am already doing freggies beyond belief, so suggesting I add more is just pissing me off more.  I am obviously lacking something.  I just don't know how to identify it right now.

I have soy milk and non-dairy ice cream to replace my dairy.  It seems to be working. 

I have started making my own tomato sauces and BBQ sauces since I can't have commercial ones - all have citric acid and/or sugars added.  I like mine much better anyhow.

I am having buffalo steak quite often, so I guess I don't really miss beef steak.  I have even had ground bison burgers.  Yummy!  Top them all off with my own BBQ sauce, and I'm not missing out on anything there at all.

I have not replaced eggs.  I won't.  I can not have eggs or egg substitutes.  Instead, I've learned how to cook quinoa.  Add a little aguave nectar, some soy milk, and a handful of dried berries and I've got the tastiest breakfast I've had in years.  I cook up 1 cup of dried quinoa, and it lasts me all week long.  It doesn't take much, and I've got energy to spare for the morning.  Lots of protein in that little mixture. 

I am not snacking much during the day, mainly because I can't figure out what to snack on.  I have fruit salads, vegetable salads.  I don't want to eat a smaller version of my last nights supper every day for lunch, although I am tending to quite often these days for some variety. 

So what else am I supposed to do? 

I have a recipe to make some Gluten free rhubarb crisp.  We have rhubarb out back in the garden.  I'll be substituting for the sugar and the butter, so I hope it turns out good.  But I can't turn to higher/empty calorie snacks either.  2-3/week is okay, not not 2-3/day. 

So I generally just don't snack.  One thing I've noticed, I'm almost always hungry.  I don't like that.  I'll bet that's a huge part of why I'm having so much sugar cravings. 

I guess I've gotta get my butt in gear and figure out what to feed myself, especially for snacks though out the day.  But without sugar, dairy, eggs, some fruit, it gets harder and harder. 

Guess I could start to snack on some of the nuts we have.  As long as they are not peanuts, or processed, I can have them.  But they are high fat, so I'll have to watch that.


Today's Kick in the Butt

I really pushed it yesterday. I pushed for my morning run. Then after supper, I didn't feel like sitting around all evening, so I went out to run again. I fully expected to just blow it off, but I was going to try since I was out anyway. Next thing I know, I finished my program for the day. Yeah, the same one I wasn't able to finish earlier in the day. C25K Week2Day1. Done.

This morning, I'm feeling really drained. Most likely because I didn't eat anything after my run last night. I came home. Cooled off, had a bath, and then to bed. Might not have been the best idea. I'm feeling it this morning. Just very very drained.

So today, my kick in the butt will be to just get dressed and get out there and try. I don't expect miracles today, and I'm okay with that. But I'm not going to let that stop me from trying. As long as I get out there and really try to do it, I'll count it as a successful day. I am trying to save my day off for Sunday - get in a full 6days of workouts, then a break.

I'm not sick. I'm not really in pain today. I'm just a little tired. Drained is more like it, but I think I can work with this. I'm going to try anyhow.



I am going for it. I am doing something different this time, to get to a different place. I believe in what I'm doing. I believe I am taking the right steps to reach my goals.





Today is going to be one of those strength days. I can do it. It's only a half an hour. I KNOW I can push my body for a half an hour. Then it's all about pampering it for the rest of the day.



Today is one of those days that you can prove if you are willing to work for it. I honestly believe I am worth it. I am going to work for it.






*********UPDATE**************
I went for my run. My Garmin battery died about 5minutes in. I made it to about 15minutes, and then stopped. I walked home.

I'm okay with that today. I might go again later today, or just tackle it again tomorrow. No biggie.

My accomplishment was getting out there and just trying today.

Day 23

Ok, I'll start off with a confession.  I had two more stuffed mushroom caps yesterday. 

But I do have some great news to report as well.  For supper, Lee was working late, and I didn't want him to have to come home and cook.  I couldn't decide what I wanted, and almost ordered Boston Pizza. 

I finally got frustrated, got up, went to the freezer, and found something so much better.  Salmon, basmati rice, and vegetables.  I baked the salmon, steamed the rice, and cooked up some veggies to go with it all.  Supper didn't turn out perfect, but it was so much better than what I was considering just a few hours before. 

I guess with a little effort, I really can stick to this cleansing diet.

I've been having issues though.  I'm always so hungry.  Almost all day long, I'm hungry.  I guess I haven't figured out how to eat "snacks" through the day that satisfy me, and are allowed on this diet.  I've been trying to eat fruit salads, vegetable salads, etc, but they are just not doing it for me.  Then I eat a lot at supper almost every day, and don't always feel full after that either. 

The one time I've felt truly full was after I had that GF pasta for supper a couple of nights ago.  I felt really full.  Last night I felt satisfied.  I actually felt good enough to go out and run a second time.  I even completed my C25K Week2Day1 program.  Unfortunately, I'm feeling it today. 

Anyhow, I slept ok.  It was broken up, but I'm guessing that's because of how late in the day I went running.  I found it very difficult to unwind and go to sleep, even though I was exhausted after my run. 

I am not sure I'm strong enough to run again today.  Physically strong enough.  I feel so weak.  But I am going to give it a try in a bit. 

Emotionally I'm feeling good.  That's one good thing about working out that hard - it is better than any meds for depression there are out there on the market. 

June 28 BodyMedia


Now that's a great day.  I went running twice yesterday, and am really feeling it this morning.  I'm worried I may have pushed too hard yesterday.  I am hoping I didn't push so hard that I can't get today's run in.  I'm sure gonna try though. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Today's Kick in the Butt

I so don't want to go out running today.

I'm feeling like just curling up inside and being a slug.

The scale was up to 230 again this morning. I've been doing everything right, but I'm stuck in this 3lb fluctuation. It's frustrating. And it's making it so much harder to get my butt out the door this morning.



Yeah. I know. I'll regret it in the long run if I don't go. I'll be stuck. Not necessarily here. I will be stuck at closer to 240+lbs. I deserve better. I deserve to reach my goals. But I've gotta do the hard work.

If I don't get out there and do it today:
emoticon it will basically make all my hard work this week useless.
emoticon It'll undo everything I'm striving for.
emoticon I can forget reaching my next 10lb weight loss goal by July 25.
emoticon There are no plus sides to not getting out there today.

I'm only 3 days in, so there is NO WAY I'm going to count this as my one day off this week. I am NOT in pain, I am NOT sick. NO WAY am I going to allow LAZY to be a valid excuse





If I force myself out the door today:
emoticon I will be so proud of myself for being able to get 'er done today
emoticon I will not be undoing all my hard work for these past few days
emoticon I'll bet once I'm out there I'll get my second wind and want to push.
emoticon It's the only hope I have at seeing a loss on the scale anytime soon
emoticon I just might be able to push myself into some endorphins ... maybe

I am stronger than this lazy impulse I've got right now.

I want this.

Hoping for it won't make it so.

Working for it is my only hope of getting there.



You've tried this sitting in the chair and wishing and hoping for the body you want. It hasn't worked. In fact, you've gotten farther and farther away from it the more you sat here and wished. Yes, diet and nutrition is important. But I KNOW my body. I can't loose weight that way. My metabolism slows. I start to pack away fat like a squirrel storing for the winter. I end up fighting my body, instead of working with it.





Two paths. A year from now:

If I don't, I will have earned the body with the extra 50lbs of fat. I won't want to go out in public in a bathing suit. I will hate clothing shopping. I will be depressed, and trapped in a body I do not want. But that will be what I will have earned.


If I get up and get my workout in, I'm on the path to fitness. On the path to the body I want. It's the only way I'm going to get there.





Lee wants you all the time now. Imagine how he'll feel if you could shed these pounds? Even your kids told you how great you look when you are not carrying these extra pounds around. He deserves that. He deserves to see you at your best. To have you at your best. To be so proud that someone who can look like that loves him.


I so don't want to go out running today.

I'm feeling like just curling up inside and being a slug.

The scale was up to 230 again this morning. I've been doing everything right, but I'm stuck in this 3lb fluctuation. It's frustrating. And it's making it so much harder to get my butt out the door this morning.



Yeah. I know. I'll regret it in the long run if I don't go. I'll be stuck. Not necessarily here. I will be stuck at closer to 240+lbs. I deserve better. I deserve to reach my goals. But I've gotta do the hard work.

If I don't get out there and do it today:
emoticon it will basically make all my hard work this week useless.
emoticon It'll undo everything I'm striving for.
emoticon I can forget reaching my next 10lb weight loss goal by July 25.
emoticon There are no plus sides to not getting out there today.

I'm only 3 days in, so there is NO WAY I'm going to count this as my one day off this week. I am NOT in pain, I am NOT sick. NO WAY am I going to allow LAZY to be a valid excuse





If I force myself out the door today:
emoticon I will be so proud of myself for being able to get 'er done today
emoticon I will not be undoing all my hard work for these past few days
emoticon I'll bet once I'm out there I'll get my second wind and want to push.
emoticon It's the only hope I have at seeing a loss on the scale anytime soon
emoticon I just might be able to push myself into some endorphins ... maybe

I am stronger than this lazy impulse I've got right now.

I want this.

Hoping for it won't make it so.

Working for it is my only hope of getting there.



You've tried this sitting in the chair and wishing and hoping for the body you want. It hasn't worked. In fact, you've gotten farther and farther away from it the more you sat here and wished. Yes, diet and nutrition is important. But I KNOW my body. I can't loose weight that way. My metabolism slows. I start to pack away fat like a squirrel storing for the winter. I end up fighting my body, instead of working with it.





Two paths. A year from now:

If I don't, I will have earned the body with the extra 50lbs of fat. I won't want to go out in public in a bathing suit. I will hate clothing shopping. I will be depressed, and trapped in a body I do not want. But that will be what I will have earned.


If I get up and get my workout in, I'm on the path to fitness. On the path to the body I want. It's the only way I'm going to get there.





Lee wants you all the time now. Imagine how he'll feel if you could shed these pounds? Even your kids told you how great you look when you are not carrying these extra pounds around. He deserves that. He deserves to see you at your best. To have you at your best. To be so proud that someone who can look like that loves him.


I so don't want to go out running today.

I'm feeling like just curling up inside and being a slug.

The scale was up to 230 again this morning. I've been doing everything right, but I'm stuck in this 3lb fluctuation. It's frustrating. And it's making it so much harder to get my butt out the door this morning.



Yeah. I know. I'll regret it in the long run if I don't go. I'll be stuck. Not necessarily here. I will be stuck at closer to 240+lbs. I deserve better. I deserve to reach my goals. But I've gotta do the hard work.

If I don't get out there and do it today:
emoticon it will basically make all my hard work this week useless.
emoticon It'll undo everything I'm striving for.
emoticon I can forget reaching my next 10lb weight loss goal by July 25.
emoticon There are no plus sides to not getting out there today.

I'm only 3 days in, so there is NO WAY I'm going to count this as my one day off this week. I am NOT in pain, I am NOT sick. NO WAY am I going to allow LAZY to be a valid excuse





If I force myself out the door today:
emoticon I will be so proud of myself for being able to get 'er done today
emoticon I will not be undoing all my hard work for these past few days
emoticon I'll bet once I'm out there I'll get my second wind and want to push.
emoticon It's the only hope I have at seeing a loss on the scale anytime soon
emoticon I just might be able to push myself into some endorphins ... maybe

I am stronger than this lazy impulse I've got right now.

I want this.

Hoping for it won't make it so.

Working for it is my only hope of getting there.



You've tried this sitting in the chair and wishing and hoping for the body you want. It hasn't worked. In fact, you've gotten farther and farther away from it the more you sat here and wished. Yes, diet and nutrition is important. But I KNOW my body. I can't loose weight that way. My metabolism slows. I start to pack away fat like a squirrel storing for the winter. I end up fighting my body, instead of working with it.





Two paths. A year from now:

If I don't, I will have earned the body with the extra 50lbs of fat. I won't want to go out in public in a bathing suit. I will hate clothing shopping. I will be depressed, and trapped in a body I do not want. But that will be what I will have earned.


If I get up and get my workout in, I'm on the path to fitness. On the path to the body I want. It's the only way I'm going to get there.





Lee wants you all the time now. Imagine how he'll feel if you could shed these pounds? Even your kids told you how great you look when you are not carrying these extra pounds around. He deserves that. He deserves to see you at your best. To have you at your best. To be so proud that someone who can look like that loves him.



















*************UPDATE****************
Back from my run. It wasn't a complete successful run, but I did get out there, burned some calories, ran almost 1.5miles. I will tackle C25K Week2Day1 again soon. Either later today or tomorrow. No biggie.

I'm so proud of myself for getting out there and giving 'er hell. I did it. Now to bask in the endorphins and relax. Eat some fruit salad. Maybe more...