Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I'm off work today. Stayed home sick. Stress. Dehydration. Depression. It's all taking a toll on me.

I have tentatively booked a session with an EMDR therapist. The first session will be via skype. It's more of a background, getting to know where I am and what I'm looking for type of session. I appreciate that I don't have to go in in person for this one. My therapist is over 2 hours away. She's the closest one I could find. Not only that, I seem to have started to connect with her already. I have found 3 therapists "close" to here. One is 2 hours away - $125/hour. One is 4 hours away - $80/hour, and the third is closer to 6 hours away - $120/hour. The second one I haven't really connected with. We've send a couple of emails back and forth, but I'm just not feeling a connection of any sort. I know. It's just email. But I need to feel that they have some sort of empathy and desire to help. I haven't really gotten that.

The third one I have also felt a connection with, but to go there would cost a hotel night with each visit.

The first one does things a little unconventionally. She's an art therapist as well. Uses artistic medium to get emotions out. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I love to dance, but the thought of this kind of scares me a bit. All I feel is anger right now. That scares me too. But maybe learning how to show some emotion though my artistic outlets will help me in more ways than I even realize right now. Maybe the fear is because it's outside of my comfort zone. That's not always a bad thing.

Anyhow, I am making some progress in this area. Not much yet, but forward is forward.

The funeral is on Friday. As much as I don't want to go, I think I need to. For closure. To be there for those that were there for me last fall.

Saturday is the start of the 5% Winter/Spring Challenge. I am so glad it's starting off fairly easy. Tracking all fitness minutes - up to 120/day. Also tracking water - up to 10 glasses a day. It will push me, but it is a nudge of a push. It just might be what I need to get back on track with things.

So today is all about taking care of me. I'm at home relaxing. Deciding what I'm going to do with my day. I need to hydrate - I think this killer headache I've had for 2 days now is from stress and dehydration.

I don't know if I have it in me to do any real fitness.

I can't believe I just said that. No wonder if I can't go running, or spend lots of time at the gym I end up doing nothing.

Why can't I seem to accept that at this point, just taking the dogs for a walk is real fitness? Moving. Period.

Those negative voices in my mind are winning again. emoticon

No wonder I feel so defeated. I can't expect to feel like I can fight through this, when I've got that all or nothing voice playing over and over in my head.

Today is going to be all about lowering my stress. Being good to myself for the day. And drinking lots of water.

I know this blog sounds completely defeated. But it honestly is not. I am fighting back. I'm trying to do what I need to do to help get me better. I bought a book this weekend - The Mindful Way Through Depression. I am really struggling with reading it. Luckily I already know most of what is in the book. It came with a CD. I think I'm going to copy it onto my MP3 player. Listen to it. Maybe while on a walk. Maybe it'll help turn my thoughts back to mindfulness, and help me start to fight off this depression.

My goals for today:
emoticon Drink water. I need to re-hydrate.
emoticon Track everything I eat. Even try to choose fuel over padding today.
emoticon Just take care of me. Relax. Try to go for a walk.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Today's Kick in the Butt

I've had something weighing heavily on my mind for a week or so now. So I did something about it. Actually, I did everything in my power to deal with this. I need to believe in what is done, and put it away. There is no more to do. At least not right now. And I'm good with that.

Now onto today. It's the first day of this week for me. I am finally 90%+ pain free. I'd honestly say closer to 100% even. It's been a good couple of days. So no more excuses to not do what I need to do.

I need to do laundry today. I've let it pile up too long. time to take care of business. Funny thing. It's the same with the dishes. It's not actually work. it's sorting, put a load in, and press the buttons. But I let it go and go and go. Anyhow, that just means I will have enough to do all full loads.

My small stone of the week this week includes drinking enough water, tracking my food, dancing (3x this week), and fitness(3 runs, 3 ST sessions) If I do this right, I will still have one day off this week. It not, I'll at least have one easy day, with just some dancing to do on that day. lol

My decision now is do I do my ST, or my running today. Either one is okay.

Well, if I have to admit it, I'm kind of dreading the ST. I have issues with the gym. I blogged about them earlier. Basically, in a nut shell, I'm self conscious about going to the gym. I haven't been going much in years. I'm trying to do exercises I've never done before. I am not feeling confidant in it yet.

Maybe that makes it the best choice to do for today. Get out there today. The gym should not be too busy. I can get in and do what I need to do. I could even get in some dancing right after. That'll kill 2 of the 9 stones in one trip.

My first dancing session? I need to work on frame and core strengthening. Home and Play. Foot positioning. And turning - I'm thinking swivels today.

What's more important? Reaching your goal? Or doing what you want right now? And why in the world is what I want right now to just curl up on the couch and sleep? Why don't I want to get up and get out there?

I think I need an attitude adjustment.

I really hate that I need to keep dealing with my attitude around fitness. There are some simple truths when it comes to nutrition, fitness, and health

This time will pass you by, whether you use it to your advantage or not.

It doesn't take a lot of time to know you've done what you need to do. Heck, it's easier than sitting here "shoulding" on myself because I "should" get out there and get it done. Once it's done, I can bask in the knowledge that I've done it.

Well D'uh! I'm stick in the laziness end of the cycle right now

If I want to get closer to this, I need to work for it. Period.

Time to go start working it off. RIGHT NOW!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Small Stone of the Week - Feb 10-16

Last week was a tough week. I was in so much pain most of the week. I really didn't get in any of my workouts. And the scale reflects that. I am up 1.6lbs this week. It could have been so much worse. But all things considered - not working out, abdominal swelling all week long, eating high in my calorie range/slightly above it two days - I got off easy.

I know I can't push through that kind of pain though. So I don't feel like I failed. I feel like my body failed me. But considering what I've done to my body, I guess it's kind of Karma. I need to take better care of me. I need to get the weight off. I need to deal with my stress better. I need to take care of me. Period.

I did eat well. And I drank all my water. So I did well with what I could this week.

Today I'm feeling much better. I'd say 80% pain free. That's saying a lot.

So now to lay out my small stone for this next week

This week I will:

emoticon Keep focusing on at least 8 glasses of water a day. More if I need them.

emoticon Take electrolytes. I'm having blood pressure issues, and considering how sick I've been, I have to make sure I can keep my electrolytes balanced so I don't start blacking out again.

emoticon Keep tracking every bite of food. I also want to stay within my calorie range. I will allow one day for slightly higher calories, but I want the other 6 to be below 1500. I can do this. Just make sure I have enough freggies with me every day to get through. I don't do so well when I come home from work hungry. I've got to stop doing that.

emoticon I will get to the gym 3 days this week. I will start my strength training over again, and complete Week1.

emoticon I will at least go for a 10 minute walk 3 days a week. If I am able to do my half hour run, I will do that. If not, I will just do my walk. As long as I'm moving on my "off" days from the gym.

emoticon Dance. 3 days of dance practice. I don't really care how long at this point. As long as I practice.

emoticon I am part of the 5% challenge starting soon. I need to watch my emails closer. Make sure I do what I can to support my team.

That's going to make for a busy week for me. I'm going to do my best to get there. I'd say wish me luck, but I think it's determination that will get me there more than luck

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Small Stone of the Week - Feb 3 - 9, 2013

Seeing as I've been stuck in bed for the past two days, I need to keep that in mind when I set these goals this week. There is no guarantee the worst is past for this.

But I can't keep sitting here doing nothing. It's all so frustrating.

This week I will:
emoticon Drink 8 glasses of water a day, or more. I need to flush my digestive system out so it can heal itself.

emoticon Not only track every bite of food I eat, but also do my best to stay around my 1500calories/day and within my nutrition ranges.

emoticon I really want to focus on getting to the gym 3 times this week.

emoticon I want to set a goal of running 3 times this week, but this is one that if I need to pull back my fitness because of my tummy issues, I'll give this one some leeway this week.

I think between working a 50 hour week at work, and planning ahead every evening all the food I'll need at work the next day, as well as getting these workouts in, that's enough for this week.

Yesterday I weighed 231.8lbs. I know there is likely to be some swelling, etc from this abdominal pain, so I really don't know what to expect weight wise this week. It would be nice to see a loss after all this work, but who knows. With this past week being so sedentary, it really wouldn't surprise me to see my weight stay the same, or possibly increase if this swelling/bloating has an effect on the scale. I need to accept that, and instead focus on how I did last month.

I went from 238 to 231. That's huge for me. I've been struggling with this for a couple of years, and seeing no progress. I'm finally seeing progress again. I'd hate to lose this momentum and motivation. That's why it's so important that I do what I can to get in some workouts this week.

Oh, I forgot. There's one more thing I really need to do this week too.

emoticon Dance. I NEED to get to the gym and practice some of what I learned when in Calgary. I'm not going to progress if I don't work at it.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

February 2013

It's my birthday this month. I'm working on making it a great weekend. I'm not sure how yet, but I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Last month, I lost about 6lbs. I thought I'd lost less, but when I got on the scale yesterday morning, it was down a little more than I expected.

It was a tough month. Many changes in my fitness routine. Changes in my work routine as well. But I found a way to make it all work.

At work, I planned ahead and packed a healthy lunch each day. That helped me keep on track with my healthy eating.

I focused on doing what I needed to do to get my workout in right after work. It was dark, and cold, but I still got out there and did it for two weeks straight.

An unexpected road trip came up one weekend - a quick trip to Calgary and back. I rather enjoyed it. Got in some dance lessons. Started to get excited about getting back to dancing again, even competing. I was also able to pick up a few pairs of longer yoga pants. I have so much trouble finding nice long ones.

The month ended on a rough note. Stresses at work. But I'm navigating my way through them all.

My thoughts for February? Well, definitely not a plan. Plan's don't always work out. But thinking ahead and setting goals is alright.

First things first. They need to be SMART goals.

Specific is easy enough. I'm going to list them right here.
Measurable. I need to know when I've reached them, or if I've even made any progress towards them.
Achievable. Loosing some weight is possible. Loosing 20lbs this month is not.
Realistic. Is it possible for me - with everything going on - going to have a chance to reach these goals?
Timely. These are goals I want to reach in February.

emoticon Drink 8 gasses of water a day. SMART? Yes.
emoticon Eat perfectly every day. SMART? NO
But I can eat well every day. Track everything I eat. Keep an eye on my calorie and nutrition ranges. Do my best to meet them every day. SMART? Yes
emoticon Go to the gym 3 times a week. SMART? Yes
emoticon Run 3 times a week. SMART? Possibly.
I need to focus on my strength training right now, so if running is taking too much out of me, I need to realize that, and be a little lenient on this. However, I want to do what I can to do this as well as my strength training. I need to listen to my body, and be honest with myself. If I need the rest, take it. If I can push it, push it. SMART? Yes
emoticon emoticon Find a way to love myself for my birthday. SMART? Yes

I have one more thing on my mind, but I'm not ready to vocalize it yet. If it comes to fruition, I'll be saying something soon enough. For now, it's one of those things that needs to be put on a shelf. No use spending any energy even thinking about it.

So these goals look good to me. They are SMART for me. I need to listen to my body - make sure I push myself, but not to the point that I'm doing damage.

Notice I didn't list weight loss. That's more of a side effect of all the goals I listed. But in the back of my mind, I'm excited to see some weight loss as well.

I have one more goal I want to focus on. I am keeping a positive affirmations blog on the side. I want to keep posting there every day. It helps keep me mindful of where I am in life. What's going on around me. And how I'm feeling. It opens my eyes to the beauty in life around me. I really need to do this if I'm going to fight off this depression that is taking hold of me again.