Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A bit of Motivation...

Enough Said?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

My 200 Day Journey - Day 111

I did get out and run yesterday. It didn't go well. I got very very dizzy just before I hit the 1mile mark. I backed off. Walked it off. Then tried to run again. Nope. Things started going black again. So I walked home.

On the way, I stopped at Co-op and got a salad.

I figure my nutrition was way WAY down during the weekend - I barely ate at all, and in this heat, not enough food and water emoticon

Anyhow, I did burn almost 200 caloires. Covered 1.5miles. Ate a great salad.

It's a start. I put me first. Didn't let the room mate keep me from going. Didn't talk myself out of it.

Today I have my gear with me. The plan is to run at lunch again. I can do this. I am looking forward to it.

But while I'm thinking of it, I'd better get in my electrolytes and some extra water in the next hour...

I kind of have a date tonight. Someone I met a while ago. We went for drinks once. Didn't really hit it off then, but kept in touch. Well, lately we've been talking more. He asked if I was interested in getting together again. Our chats have been very interesting. Nothing over the top. Just getting to know you, what are you looking for, etc. Turns out we are both kind of on the same page. So I figure why not. Spend some time together. If nothing else, I'll have made a great new friend.

I'm really looking forward to this for other reasons too. I need to break away from the room mate more. I need to find my own way. If he doesn't like it, it will just push me to move out sooner. That may not be such a bad thing anymore. I do have a third friend Kent who has a spare room in his place. If I'm seeing someone else, it will be easier for him to understand it's just as friends.

Yesterday I realized just how much I am self sabotaging. I am really embarrassed by it. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten.

And yes, I do have to admit this drama around the room mate is just another excuse. Might be partially why I've been so hesitant to leave. It removed another good excuse for me to not meet my goals.

But I have finally decided enough. I deserve a fair chance to reach my goals.

I have changed my training schedule. It is scaled way back. But I'm looking at it this way now. If I can run the solid 3.5hours (my longest training run), then there's no reason I can't do a run/walk marathon in under 6.5hours.

I am struggling to accept this as a reality, but I'm trying. I also need to accept that even if I don't finish in time, I can still finish. It is in me. I am capable.

So don't wish me luck. Luck won't have anything to do with it yet. Right now, I need strength to push through. Persistence. Determination to train train train.

Thanks so much to all my spark friends who have stuck by me through all this crap. I'm so sorry it got so deep. I am just hoping I am on my way out of it now.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Self Sabotage

Self Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a combination of thoughts, feelings, and actions that create a roadblock to success by working against your own self-interests.

Well DUH!! I think we all know that. But there’s more to it.

• Fear of success. Deep inside, there can be numerous reasons you do not want to succeed. These are referred to as limiting beliefs. You must overcome these limiting beliefs and break free from your fear of success.

• Unworthiness. Unworthiness is the belief or feeling that you do not deserve success. This is due to low self-esteem and or a poor self-image. Build your self-esteem and realize that you are not only worthy of success, but it is your right to live in abundance and pursue happiness.

• Lack of belief in abilities. Do you not believe that you have what it takes to succeed? Do you think your goals are too far-fetched or unrealistic? Rather than lower your goals, increase your self-confidence and convince yourself that you will do what it takes and you will succeed.

• Working against true desires. Unfortunate are those who never figure out what their true desires in life are. These are the people who think they know what they want, but never end up getting it due to self-sabotage. Well known examples are college drop-outs who choose majors based on what a parent wants them to do or employees who work for paychecks rather than the love of the work. Take the time to find out what you really want out of life and write it down.

Okay. Now that I clearly know what I’m fighting, I need to find the tools to fight it.

Gee. To my surprise, one of the key tools to overcome this is Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT). Hmm. Never heard of that one before (dripping with sarcasm in case you weren’t sure!!!)

Why does it seem everything in my life these days comes back around to DBT???

Having problems coping with the room mate and his extreme emotions? Distress tolerance techniques from DBT will help…

Having self sabotage issues? Guess what! DBT again!

Okay, time to stop running from it. I need to face these issues head on.

But I’m terrified to. What if I really try to do this, and fail at it? What if I have a complete emotional breakdown while trying to overcome these issues?

So what? You can go back to Calgary and have your family take care of you for awhile while you recover. Might not be the end of the world. In fact, it may be what you need in your life right now. You certainly don’t need this crap…

Besides. Let’s be honest. You are not likely to have a complete breakdown. Fitness and small steps towards reaching your goals will give you the strength to fight back against all of it.

But what if I can’t possibly cross that finish line in 6.5hours?
Are you kidding me? Okay, lets say you hurt yourself on the course, and just can’t do it. So what. Finish anyway.


Remember how you felt before the Canmore Half? Same thing. And what happened? You finished even faster than you thought possible. Remember that? Remember how great that felt?


Okay, so the mountain ahead of me is too high. At least from this view it is.

I’m going to do myself two favors.

Re-organize my training schedule. In fact, to make this even easier on me, I may just use the PersonalRunningTrainer marathon program. I already have it. I can do it.
And I’m going to stop thinking about the goal. Instead, focus on that training week. Even that training day. Period.

The second part to this is nutrition. If I'm going to keep my training schedule simple, I'll be able to put some effort into my nutrition to fuel these runs. I think that's the way to go.

Find ways to separate myself from my room mate more, without upsetting him. I can tell him I’m focusing on my running. Easy enough to do. Just get dressed for a run and walk away from the house. Even if I’ve already got my fitness in, I can get out and go for coffee without him. I need more autonomy from him right now. If that doesn’t work, I can always move out.

Today ... Trying to climb out from under these crushing "shoulds"

I am feeling totally defeated. Have been for a while now.

I have been struggling to get my training runs in. A few reasons. Or should I say excuses.

emoticon It's been too hot
emoticon My training runs are getting longer and longer. Time is becoming an issue for me
emoticon My room mate has me on such an emotional roller coaster...

Okay. Let's face it. The biggest reason/excuse of them all
emoticon I'm afraid I'm going to fail even if I try, so why not self sabotage so I have an excuse for not making it.

I'm completely embarrassed to admit this last one. But it's starting to become apparent to me that it is a HUGE barrier for me to my success.

I'm not even 100% aware I'm doing it. It has taken me weeks of struggling to discover this one.

So what do I do now.

It's been too hot
emoticon Okay, so I can't run outside for as long as I want. I can still work on it. It'll increase my stamina when it comes to hot humid weather. As well, I can run on a treadmill. I just have to find the right times to go to the gym.

My Training Runs are getting Longer and Longer
emoticon Like my boss said, I can break up most of my runs too. Instead of a 2hour run, I can do 2 1hour runs. All but my long slow and steady run once a week. I also can alter my work schedule in order to get in my running before work. Thanks for the support Phil. At least he believes in me, even if I don't...

The emotional roller coaster my room mate has me on
emoticon This is a tough one. I have been trying for months to not let it get to me. It hasn't been working.

The definition of insanity is trying the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome. I have tried and tried. I've talked to him. I've told him why I'm upset and hurting. It hasn't changed a thing on his end. Okay, it's changed a little, but nowhere near enough.

Now it's time for me to change.

Can I make this work without moving out? I have no idea.

I guess to answer this, I need to know what it "working" looks like.

For me, if it's working:
emoticon I will be able to get my training runs in, and nothing he says or does will stop me.
emoticon I will no longer be upset by his crap.
emoticon I will feel more in control of my food choices. I won't feel pressured to eat out, or decide to give in to chips n dip because I'm hurting.

Time to face it. I don't know if I can make this happen living there. I don't know if it's possible at all.

But if I don't want to move, I need to try.

I need a schedule. I need to stick to it no matter what. If I'm supposed to run a total of 2 hours that day, I need to do it. If I get it done early, great. If not, I'd better be willing to get out there and pound the pavement. No matter what.

I need to do this for me.

I need to stop worrying about what he wants, or how he feels, or any of that crap for a while.


If I can't do it there, I need to move. I have another room lined up.

Now for the last, and biggest excuse.

I'm afraid of failing, so I'm self sabotaging.

Wow. That was a mouthful. I am thinking I need an entire other blog to deal with this one. That's what I'm going to do. Step back and look at this one. Figure it out. Find a way to work with this block.

Today's Kick in the Butt ...

I so don't want to get up out of this chair and go running. I went to bed last night realizing it's been over a week since I've gone. I can't let this keep happening. I need to stop looking at the overwhelmingly big goal But right now, even my training is overwhelming me. I need to re-evaluate it.

But that doesn't get me out there running today.

It will be killer hot out there soon. So, the sooner I can get out and go, the better. Good thing I've got a couple of days off right now.

I KNOW these things. So why is it so hard right now???

So what is your decision? To sit here and keep this muffin top growing?

Do you think it will go away on it's own? You know it's hard work. If it was easy, everyone could do it without any effort.

You have so much in your life right now that you have no control over. But you have control over this.

You want this? There's only one way to get it. You know it. WORK FOR IT!

Just imagine how great it will feel to have EARNED this body again.

Not only that. That's a long term goal.

emoticon You will feel accomplished
emoticon You will feel a good tired
emoticon You will have earned time resting in the chair
emoticon You will have a much higher metabolism for the day
emoticon You will be re-introduced to those endorphins you like so much
emoticon You will burn those calories to burn off the next two pounds
emoticon You will be back on track
emoticon You will have bragging rights again.

Forget will. Change them all to can. Then blow that word right out of the page completely!

What is it going to take? Get off your butt! Get changed - running gear. Tune in and tear up some pavement.

You bought that new running outfit. You can earn the body to wear it without a cover up. In the meantime, why not put it on - with a cover up of course - and get out there. Tear up some pavement. Don't have to be fast. Have to be persistent. Period.

Wondering, what day should I listen to today? I want a day 1 program - run6min, walk3min. Just how many repeats? 7? 9?

Why not start Week7 - 9 repeats. Try it at least. Count 7 repeats as success. 9 as blowing it out of the water!

Looks like I've got a plan.

Then I can come home. Hot shower. New hairdo. and go out with my new cut and enjoy the day.

Now to get up, get out there, and JUST DO IT!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My 200 Day Journey - Day 102

I did it. I got out of bed this morning. I ate. I almost talked myself out of it, but then I saw a post on my SP page from Lori.

"Begin your day with a emoticon and a emoticon"

How can I talk myself out of a workout with encouragement like that???

Got dressed. Geared up. Went running.

Okay, so it didn't go all that well. I only got in 1mile. I was having trouble breathing. And my back hurt. Excuses? Or my body fighting this change ever step of the way?

Either way, I did 1mile. Showered. Got to work only 15min late.

I am going to work on an attitude adjustment. And make sure all my food and other stuff is ready to go in the morning. Do as little thinking or preparing as I can in the mornings. Have it all done before hand.

I might have to get my inhaler prescription refilled too. I really really struggled with breathing this morning.

But I'm not letting that defeat me. I know this battle will be 90% attitude. I knew that it would be well over 60% attitude before I went in. Today just showed me how much I need my attitude and metal game on board.

I'm so NOT going to let this guy win this one. It's important. Period.

I got to work, and realized I forgot to stretch again. Not sure why that one is so hard for me. I guess this time because I was in a rush to get to work.

Anyhow, my calendar got a small gold star. Small because it was a little success, but it was a gold star success.

My day is not over yet. I am going to see about more exercise. And My food is right on track so far today. It's looking great!