Friday, October 24, 2014

It took me a LONG time to learn this lesson, but I think I'm finally making progress.

I've had something rolling round in my head for the past month or so now.

Last Christmas my weight was back up to over 230lbs. It fluctuated between 234 and 239.

Even when we would get dressed up, I felt ugly. All the time. Nothing I did helped.

I hated clothing shopping, so I started to avoid it. The sadness/stress would lead me to eat more, and the roller coaster of feeling completely helpless to loose it all would go round and round.

It was actually made worse by training for a half marathon that summer. I really focused. Trained consistently. Worked hard every workout. But on race day, I was STILL over 230lbs.

I'm honestly too embarrassed to show the video of me really pushing to cross the finish line - everything is "bouncing". Yes, I do have a good sports bra on, but my entire body gets into it. I was horrified to see that.

On top of how horrible my internal dialogue was, my health issues were there again. I needed my asthma inhailer more than once during that race. I needed it during yoga class. It was becoming a necessity to carry it everywhere again. The pains in my stomach were back. Not as bad as they once were, but they were there.

My hubby could not help. He was starting to get upset with me because my internal dialogue would leak out sometimes. He was appauled at how I felt about myself.

He was right. The worst part of this time of my life is how I felt about myself. How I thought others viewed me. How poorly I felt about my appearance.

Things turned around for me. I finally got my nutrition/eating worked out, and lost some weight again.

I am back below 220lbs. Hovering between 213 and 218. This time I'm trying to do it differently.

How do I feel about myself right now? Honestly, I still have a pooch around my abdomen. I still have some weight to loose. But I feel much better than I did at 235. I look a lot different. It's crazy how huge a change such a small amount as 20lbs of weight lost can bring about. When I go clothes shopping, I need to stop reaching for the XL, and many times need to have the sales person bring me a medium, because the L is just too baggy.

This time instead of focusing on how much I still have to go, I'm trying to just be happy with where I am now. The reality is I may not ever get back to Onederland. As much as I would LOVE that, I am learning to be okay with what progress I have made so far. Love who I am NOW. Love what I look like.

I've started to take pride in my appearance again. My hubby has helped me pay for a bit of a spending spree this past month. I've got an almost completely new wardrobe. Instead of buying clothing because I need to, I'm finding things I feel beautiful in.

I've even decided I'm going to train for another half marathon in February. I'm aware that I struggle with my eating when I'm training, but I just have to focus on all my foods, one bite at a time. I have to know if I give in to sugars and processed carbs, I'll crave them. I'm starting to view food as fuel for my body again, not just something to stuff into my face.

I'm not perfect, nor do I ever expect I will be. But I'm not giving up on myself. This time, it's not as important to see constant steady weight loss. Instead, I do not want to go over 220lbs again. No matter what. Once I get below 210, I'll focus on staying in that range. But for now, as much as I want to get lower, I'm celebrating the victory of being below 220 every day when I get on the scale.

The relationship with my hubby is getting better. Mainly because my internal dialogue has changed for the better. Now instead of it being "I hate how I look" it's become more "I love the changes that have happened in my body. I like (working on love) how I look." with a minimal amount of "I want to keep moving forward with this"

There will come a time when "I want to move forward" will come to the forefront again, and I will be ready for it. But instead of pushing pushing pushing all the time, I'm taking it easy. I'm actually trying to see the changes in my body this time. Not just with appearance, but also with my health.

I knew my internal dialogue was keeping me trapped where I was. I wish I could tell you I was able to change it and that changed it all for me. But knowing my internal dialogue can easily take me right back to the beginning of this journey, I am working on it. I am trying to change that dialogue now to become more supportive of my journey, no matter if it takes me back to Onederland or if I end up staying right where I am now. I'm learning to love who I am NOW. And that's not easy.