Thursday, November 15, 2012

How do I find the balance?

I had the most success when I can spend time blogging. Basically kicking my own butt out the door. My daily Kick in the Butt blogs. They really helped motivate me. Get the blood flowing. Get the determination going to get out there and kick some butt.

I'm even noticing that now. I spend some time blogging and going through my motivational images, and I want to get out there and kick some butt - namely the fat I've got stored on my own butt.

I already get up at 5:30am to get to work. I leave 1/2 and hour after I get up - I start work at 6:30/7 and am done at 2:30/3. I like that, and don't really want to change that.

I don't know if getting up earlier is an option. Off the top of my head, and seeing as it's winter and cold and dark, I'd say NO WAY.

But the reality is that's the best answer for me. Give myself a half hour to blog. Then an hour to get dressed, go running, and cool down. Then I'll need time to bathe, dress, and get out the door for work. When I get up at 5:30 I can almost do that, if my lunch is made and I know what I want to wear for work that day.

So basically, that means setting my alarm for 4am. No hitting snooze. 4am up and out of bed. No discussion.

But I have to admit. I'm likely to spend that first half hour wishing I was still in bed. Probably trying to convince myself to just go back to bed. That it's too cold.

I am NOT a morning person. No where near even pretending to be one.

I tried to blog the night before, and tend to just not put my heart into it. I'm gearing down for sleep. I'm tired. It's hard to talk yourself into a frenzy as you are gearing down.

If I do it as soon as I get home from work, I KNOW the couch will reach up and grab me by that fat on my butt I'm trying to kick. It always does. I just want to sit and rest for a few more minutes...

I don't think the company will look too fondly on my blogging at work, even if it's during some of my own time.

I really don't know what is the right answer for this.

In an ideal world, I would be awake and able to wake up and blog for at least an hour before I start to kick my own butt into action. Then I blog my Kick in the Butt for the day. Go out and do it. And be so proud of getting it done. That's how I was able to do it in the past. But that was when I was off work.

So how do I find the balance?

I don't want to fight with my own body and force it to do these workouts day in and day out. That's just setting me up for failure.

I am starting to know my own "rhythms" and how to work with them.

Just tossing ideas around. Maybe I can get up earlier and blog a bit. Lee won't really like that, but I need to do what I need to do for me. I'm going to have to find a way to help him realize it's not taking away from us. It's for me to fix and build up me so I can be a better me in our "we". Maybe I can get some good mojo flowing before work. Find what will motivate me for that day. And be packed and ready go running right after work. No coming into the house and sitting down. Let the dogs out. Go straight into the bathroom to change, and out the door.

That might be my answer. And if I didn't hate my job so much right now, that might just work. But I'm worried about the job. Working for 8 hours at a job I hate so much just might deflate me from wanting to do my best after work.

I know. I sound so fickle. And maybe I am. But I know me. I need to work with my body to make this work. I've been trying to fight it and expect my body to eventually fall into line. It doesn't work.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Sept 10 BodyMedia

Didn't get in quite enough fitness, and ate above my calorie range. 

BUT I tracked everything.  First time in weeks and weeks.  It's going to give me a starting point. 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Small Stone of the Week - Aug 26 to Sept 1

This week, I want to:

emoticon Complete W1HM - week 1 of the Half marathon training program
emoticon Get back on the cleansing diet - 100% clean by the end of the week
emoticon Drink 10glasses of water a day.
emoticon Take my Probiotics and B-12 Every day

Monday, August 27, 2012

Where I am now, and where I want to be in 14 weeks

14 weeks because that's when the Las Vegas Half Marathon is.

emoticon 226 or so lbs.
emoticon XL, 33, 14 clothing sizes
emoticon Can't run a full 15 minutes without a break
emoticon Still having stomach pains

As far as I'm concerned, the clock is ticking on these.

I want to be:
emoticon Able to run - I want to finish the half marathon in about 3 hours. That doesn't mean run the whole time. It means much more endurance. If I can run/jog for a full 90min, I will be happy.

emoticon I would love to be closer to Onederland again. I am not going to focus on this though. It is more of a side effect of the running.

emoticon Food wise, I need to figure out all that I need to deal with nutritionally. I know I need to be gluten free. I've also discovered sugar is not good for me - I have horrible reactions to sugar. Pork is also on my no list. I want to find out what else I should avoid, or at least limit in my diet. That means getting back on the cleansing diet 100% so I can follow through with the testing.

emoticon There is no dollar sign emoticon, so I'll use a star. I am starting on a journey to build my retirement savings. I want to see some progress there. I also will want to have some $$ to spend in Vegas.

emoticon I know, it's more part of my nutrition, but I need to get back up to my full hydration/electrolyte balance for training

So, now I've clearly defined where I am, and where I want to be. Unfortunately, there is a time line on this too. Luckily, I have a 12 week half marathon training program. I also will need to get much more strict with my nutrition/hydration, but I'm sure I can do it.

Now it's time to lay out the steps to get from here to there.

...but right now I'm so scared of it all.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. A couple of reasons why.

The first is actually more likely a symptom of being so overwhelmed. I'm not 100% sure what's caused it, but it could be a little bit of everything. I'm home sick from work today. In pain. It's taken me 2 days to figure out why, but I think I'm starting to get an idea why I'm in so much pain. I may have eaten something that could have triggered this as well. The tough part is I haven't been tracking what I eat, so I can't figure out what it was. I've been wracking my brain all day. Still no ideas.

The other part all ties into the fact I haven't been tracking. I signed up for the half marathon in Las Vegas in December. My son and I will be running it. I think I'm worried about it. I know I have 3 months to train for it. It's not my first half. But it is my first race since the marathon in San Francisco. I really hurt myself that time.

I guess I have to admit it. I'm afraid I won't be ready. I've been trying to loose weight for months and months again. Years in fact. I seem to get so far, then give up on myself, or take a break, or whatever you want to call it. The results are all the same. I'm getting no where.

What if I'm not able to do this? Wow, just saying that has made my stomach hurt so much more.

I know what I need to do. I have the 3 month training program. I know what I need to do. I've done it before.

So why is it scaring me so much?

The first week has a 30min run, then a 40min run. I hate to admit it, but I'm terrified of that. For the last month, I can't even seem to run more than 13minutes without a break.

I know what I need to do. I need to clearly lay out a plan. Now I won't give up on me, because I can't. I can't put it off until tomorrow, because there is a clock, and it's going to run out with or without me.

I'm also worried about what effect this will all have on Lee and I. He's such a wonderful man, but I get so tired and have no motivation for anything when I start to push my body so hard. That includes sex. It's almost like all my energy goes into basic survival and pushing myself to do what I need to do. I know that eventually changes - it takes about a week or so. Faster when I start to see progress and am feeling good about what I'm doing. But until then...

I know once I get started, I can do this...

...but right now I'm so scared of it all.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

August 14 BodyMedia

I exceeded my calorie burn, which is kind of surprising.  It was a rough day.  I spent most of the day in pain.  Lots of pain - TOM is kicking my butt.  This is getting ridiculous.  I should go see a doctor.

Anyhow, I still had a descent calorie deficit. 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

August 13 BodyMedia

Not bad.  I exceeded all of my ranges - except sleep.  Even the calorie I ate, but I still kept a deficit of over 1000 calories. 

Not a bad day at all.  I'm happy with it.

Monday, August 13, 2012

I actually had a great day, even though I was not very successful with my run.  I burned lots of calories.  I did run.  I had an incredible calorie deficit.  I got in all my activity.  And I almost got in 8000 steps.  Not bad at all.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

A new Day, A new Start

What happened last week, or the week before is gone. Good or bad, it doesn't matter anymore. It's done. I can not be undone, or even re-done. All I can do is move forward from here.

If it was bad, I have less energy, motivation, or desire to get out there and do what needs to be done.

If it was good, my body is starting to adjust to it, and I need to push even harder to have another good week.

Either way, I have hard work ahead of me

The hardest pound to loose is the next pound.

I'm not going to give up on me. I'm worth more than that. I deserve more.

This calendar is far too sparce. Why it is doesn't really matter now. All I can do is change from today forward.

You want to get closer to this? What makes you think all those excuses over the past two weeks will get you ANYWHERE near this? Seriously.

I get sometimes things come up. Yes, I'm struggling with allergies and my breathing. That doesn't excuse it. It means I will get more of a workout in the same amount of time. I should still be pushing. Okay, so I can't go as fast, or as far. Right now what matters is getting my HR up and burning calories right? SO JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!!!

You know this magic equation.

You know you want to get closer to this goal on the one side of the equation. That is a definite.

Fitness? Okay, it's been lacking. I need to focus on that for sure. I know I'm not going to do as well as I was doing 2 weeks ago. I've slid backwards. My breathing is causing some issues for me right now. But I can fight though this. I only need to do better than I did yesterday. So far today, I have.

Nutrition? I am struggling with the cleansing diet the doctor has put me on. It's so severely restrictive. But I need to focus on what I need to do and just do it. It's a short term discomfort for a long term benefit. That's all there is too it. Period.

It's what I need to do to take care of me right now. It's how I can put me first for a change.

Forget the last week. Forget the struggles yesterday even. Today is the day.

Today, I have:
- done much better with my fitness than yesterday.
- eaten clean on the cleansing diet so far.

I still have to focus on my nutrition for the rest of today. I also have to drink lots of water.

My goal for today is:
emoticon Get more fitness than yesterday. emoticon
emoticon Stick to my Cleansing diet 100%. On track
emoticon Drink 8+ glasses of water. On track.

So far so good. Motivation is up too. I KNOW I can do this today

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Aug 10 BodyMedia

Not too bad.  I didn't get a good run in, but I almost met my activity.  I met my calories burned.  And did not too bad sticking to my calories in.  Overall not a bad day at all

Friday, August 10, 2012


I've been struggling to get back on track.  I've barely ran for the last two weeks.  I'm so frustrated with it. 

But am I able to jump up and get out there and fix it?  Not so much.  I'm back to being lethargic. 

Oh wow.  I think I just figured out a few things.  I've been off my B12 for over a week, and I'm feeling down and lethargic.  Guess I need to get back on it asap. 

I also need to get back on my cleansing diet.  Really focus on doing what's right for me. 

I did go running today.  I didn't run far, but I went.  Now to keep what's been started rolling. 

Guess it's time for me to buckle down again.  All I know for sure is I won't be giving up on myself anytime soon.  I deserve better.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Back on the cleansing diet. I started yesterday, but had supper that didn't fit, so I guess today is day 1 again.

Sitting here. Just finished my lunch. I'm craving sugar like u wouldn't believe. Grrrrr. Hope this passes soon.

August 7 BodyMedia

Finally getting back into a normal routine.  I was away for the long weekend.  Now time to get back on track. 

I need to weigh in tomorrow.  I'm so not looking forward to that.  But even though I didn't get much fitness in on the time away, I did not so bad with the eating.  I'm sure I did worse when traveling, but overall I was trying to keep an eye on it.

Started a new job yesterday too.  I'm hoping to get back to running tomorrow morning.

I've still been kind of active - canning lots and lots of fruit.  I have at least two more evenings of canning ahead of me, then I can take a bit of a break.  The rest of the fruit is frozen, so they can wait.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Today's Kick in the Butt

I am sitting here struggling to get up again. I know. What else is new.

The olympic mens gymnastics don't start for a couple of hours, so now's the best time to get out there and get 'er done.

The next few days will be difficult for me to get my fitness in - road trip and I'm the one driving. I NEED to make today count. Heck, I need to make every bit of time I have available to me count. It's just the way it is.

You want this? Then prove it.

Yes, the journey to get there is hard. If it weren't everyone would do it. That's reality.

Are you strong enough to do it? No doubt about it.

So what's holding you back today? If this is truly one of your passions, and a priority for you, then prove it. Prove it to anyone who can see your actions. Prove it to you.

You KNOW this. You will always be wishing you had done what you needed to in order to reach your goal. It isn't just going to go away because you are having a bad day. All that goes away is your motivation to actually get up and do what you need to do. Period.

No matter what you do for the next hour, the time will pass you by. That's reality. Are you going to make the most of the time? Finish the hour feeling accomplished? Or are you going to sit here on the couch, and in an hour start this whole process over again? That is the reality. The feeling that I need to get out there and push myself won't go away. It'll just keep weighing heavily on me until I do.

The scale dipped down to almost 223lbs the other day. It's back up a little now - no moving much, and eating too much of everything including salts, no wonder. I can change all of this. I can get that scale to not only hit 223 again. I can get it to go below that. So far below it that I won't see 223 again.

I don't see 236, 239, 240+ anymore. This IS working. I AM GETTING THERE. But now is not the time to quit.

Yes, my progress has been slow. Doesn't matter. It's still been progress.

You can make that scale get below the 220's. You are not that far away. Yes, right now it's hovering around 226. No biggie. You've gotten it to dip to 223. If you push it, you can get back there soon. Within a week I'm hoping. Then 2 more weeks of pushing and you could possibly see the 220's go away for good.

The only way you're going to get there?

Yes. The magic equation. Again. It's the only way. It's the road map to where I want to be.

Nutrition. I can focus on this while sitting here. Meal planning. Finding recipes. And cooking in the kitchen. I need to put more work into this also, but for me, that's the easier part.

Fitness. That's the part of the equation I'm struggling with right now. To get up off the couch and get out there and do it.

Those are the two parts that will get me to where I want to be. They are the only way. There is no other path.

Time for me to get up off my butt and get out there. The run is only 30minutes long. Add warm up and cool down, it's about 40 minutes. Fresh air. Sunshine. Well, not so much sunshine today. It's a little overcast. Nice too. No heat.

Just get out there and do what you need to do. You can spend the rest of the day knowing you did what you needed to do.

I'm back from todays run.  I only made it half way, but it's better than I've done in days.  I KNOW I can finish tomorrow.

July 31 BodyMedia

I was able to get out for a walk yesterday, but that was it.  Between that, and having GF pizzas - yes, plural - I went over my calories. 

I need to snap out of this funk.  I am leaving for a road trip tomorrow.  Off to BC for a drive through the Okanagan Valley, with stops in Calgary.  My mom and my daughter are coming with.  It'll be a nice trip.  Then we'll be back just in time for work on Tuesday morning. 

So I need to get my fitness in today.  Tomorrow will be hard. 

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Today's Kick in the Butt

I just can't seem to get up off this couch today. I am breathing a little better. I planned on going running anyway to help with the breathing.

I had some organic cereal for breakfast. I'm starting to suspect there is sugar in it. I had one serving for breakfast, and have been craving it ever since. I just had a second one for my morning snack.

I need to fight off this craving. And I also need to ...

Hmm. I lost that train of thought.

Anyhow, I need to fight these cravings. I also need to fight to get my fitness in today.

It's hot outside. It's already 27C (81F) with a humidex up to 31C (88F). It's supposed to climb to 39C - about 102F. It's going to be too hot to run, if it isn't already too hot.

I am feeling so lethargic. All I want to do is curl up and go to sleep.

I need to fight this off.

Am I sick? Kind of, but that shouldn't keep me from running. Running will help this one clear up. My breathing is better. It will get even better if I go running.

Am I sore? Not really. Just weak. Running will fix that.

So what's my problem? Just lazy I guess.

What is wrong with you? Do you think you'll ever get anywhere near here just sitting on your butt??? REALITY TIME. NO WAY!

There is no such thing as having no time. It's that it's not a priority.

So why is this not a priority for me today?

Because I'm feeling very down. I'm upset. It's looking like I lost my job, through no fault of my own. I've got some allergies. I can't work there. I made the choice. My health is worth more than any job. I know this. So why am I so upset?

It's just another loss. I don't know how to cope with these very well.

I have the olympic womens gymnastics on tv right now. Canada is on the uneven bars. Doing great so far.

I just don't get it.

I was frustrated when I tracked the food I ate yesterday. It was higher in calories than I thought. No surprise really I guess. It just adds up so fast.

When I got on the scale, I was honestly expecting a bigger number than I saw. Then I realized I guess I have lost some weight. I've dropped from the 227-230 down to the 224-226.

Oh yeah. I was fighting to get closer to 220 by the 25th. That day's come and gone. My lowest weigh in this week was 223.6. I really need to get the scale back down to that asap.

I just can't seem to break this funk.

I put together my calendar for August yesterday. It's all ready for filling up with my weekly goals, and checking them off as I go day by day.

So am I going to just sit here and let today pass me by? Or am I going to make the most of my day. It's a gift. I'm not at work. It gives me the perfect opportunity to make me a priority today.

I guess it's time to prove what my priorities are. Am I going to make my health and fitness a priority? Or am I going to waste today?

Sunday was a long day in the car - over 6 hours of driving to Brandon and back. Monday I didn't go running. I was worried about work. I've also found once I take one day off, it snowballs into day after day after... Just look at me now.

All I need to do is get dressed and get out and move for a while today. It will re-start my momentum. I truly believe that.

I just realized, I haven't had any water this morning. Or my supplements. What is wrong with me???

Get dressed. Get out the door. Go to Sobeys, the mall, or Walmart. Walk. Take water and walk. Just get moving again.

Why is it I just feel like bursting into tears


I went for a walk. I couldn't go as far as I wanted - lawn mowing by the city in progress. I decided to turn around and go home, rather than get sick by walking through and breathing that.

I got back here and uploaded my bodymedia again. Well, I think I found out why I'm like this today. I only got just over 5 hours of sleep last night. 62% sleep efficiency. Just crappy to say the least. Wow.

July 30 BodyMedia

Wow.  Look what happens when you don't track your food for the day.  I had no idea I was eating that much.  My bad.  At least there was still a deficit, but wow. 

I spent the day sick again - allergies.  I didn't run, since I couldn't breathe.  I've gotta fix that today.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

July 28 BodyMedia

Not a bad day at all.  I wasn't able to finish my run, but before I got home, I decided to just keep going as far as I could run, and walk the rest of the way across town for coffee in the morning - its just over a mile each direction.  It helped me get all my fitness and steps in for the day yesterday.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Today's kick in the butt

It's surprising how different things are this morning. All week I've had to get up and get out there and run. No if's and's or but's about it. I didn't even have time to do a kick in the butt blog on my way out. Yes, I ended up taking a couple days off, and the third one, I only got a half run in.

Today though, I don't have to rush out the door. I'm finding I have settled, and need to kick my butt to get out the door.

I had my breakfast. Now just giving it a few minutes to settle.

If I want to get closer to this, I need to keep re-working my program. I am loosing at a rate of 1.17lbs/week (info from my bodyMedia). I am going to keep working to upping that to 2lbs/week again. I am still focusing on eating 6x/day to help it along. And I also have to keep up my running/cardio.

I know. I'm neglecting Strength training again. I could go on and say there is no time. I'm focusing on a new job, and keeping my cardio up so I keep loosing weight. blah blah blah. Reality is that there is no such thing as "I don't have the time...". The truth is "It's not a priority for me" (Thanks Yoovie). I'm not making that my priority right now. I know I will have to change that, but it's not a priority for me to change it today.

There. It's out there. I'm being 100% honest with myself.

So am I going to do the same with my cardio today? Just decide it's not a priority for me? That I really don't want to get closer to this goal?

I don't think so.

Somewhere in here, I've decided this is what I want. I'm still striving for it, even though I know how hard it is. No matter how down I get on myself for where I am at that point. This is still a goal. If it weren't I wouldn't get down on myself about where I am.

So if it's something I keep coming back to, I need to realize where I am now, I will only stay stuck. Not going running will only lead me farther away from this goal. I say farther away, because the time will have passed. I can't get it back. I may even gain more weight to loose in order to get to this goal weight. If I'm not taking steps forward, I'm risking taking them backwards. That's just how it is.

I KNOW I'll still be here a year from now if I don't do something to change this. Heck. look at the last year. I wish I were there then. I didn't do what I needed to do. Here I sit a year later still wishing I'd found a way to make this all work a year ago.

Back from todays run.  Didn't finish Week5Day2.  I'll try again tomorrow.  In the meantime, I did get in 1.6miles in 20minutes.  In total, I walked and ran almost 4 miles.  Not bad, considering the heat and the trouble breathing.

July 27 BodyMedia

Not bad for yesterday.  I got in half of my run.  I didn't quite meet meet all my goals for today, but I did meet some.  Calorie burn, calories consumed, deficit, vigorous physical activity all met.  I didn't get enough moderate activity, or steps.  Sleep the night before was a little low too.

Friday, July 27, 2012

July 26 BodyMedia

Overall not one of my better days.  Didn't get my fitness in.  Ate over my calories.  Didn't get my steps or activity in.  Oh well.  We all have days like that.  Time to step it up.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

July 25 BodyMedia

Not bad for a day off of fitness.  Still had a good calorie deficit. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

No kick in the butt today

After what happened yesterday, I decided to let myself rest today.  I don't want to re-hash it all.  It's in my blog "Day 7 Probiotics - July 24". 

I emailed my doctor to find out if sugar could have possibly caused the issues I had yesterday. 

Other than that, I've decided to take a day off.  See if I am over stressing my body.  I honestly don't think I am.  At least not if I am well, I'm not.  But maybe I just need some rest. Whatever is going on, it's not okay. 

So no kick in the butt today. 

July 24 BodyMedia

Looks like Lee pissing me off and my loosing my appetite helps keep my calories way low.  I know.  Not a good thing.

I am hoping the extra sleep I ended up getting will help with the anger I had yesterday.  I'm not 100% sure, but I think I had a bad reaction to sugar. 

Otherwise, it's all looking good.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Day 7 probiotics - July 24

I had some sugar yesterday. Ice cream to be exact. About 3 servings.

Well, for starters, I crashed. Asleep about 8pm. Would've been earlier, but I had to go get my daughter. I thought that was bad enough.

Today I'm so angry I just can't stand it. I tried to go get groceries. What a mistake that was. I could've killed the next person who pulled off some of that shit. And it didn't matter what it was really. I was just PISSED OFF!

Get home to tell lee I never should have gone out. Just overwhelmed with stress & anger. So I log onto my computer to distract myself for a bit.

Well, mr control freak starts in on me. That was it. I threw my laptop at him & walked out of the room. His response! "Don't be like that!". How the hell should I be??? Do I have to ask your friggin permission to do what I need to do to deal with my anger???? Seriously????

I get it. Something's wrong. But his trying to control my every friggin move is just making it all worse! I can't take it anymore.

So as you can see, I'm over reacting. I'm stressed right out. I'm angry. This all can't be just from having some sugar yesterday can it?

How am I supposed to know if it's a reaction to a food? Or if there is something else going on? And does sugar actually stress people out this badly?

I feel like I'm loosing my mind today!

July 23 BodyMedia

Not bad, considering it was my first day at a new job.  I only got in half of my run, but I fixed that this morning.

I overdid it on calories, and have to admit there was some sugar in there.  Actually, lots of sugar.  I ate some ice cream.  That has to stop NOW!  I ended up crashing.  I fell asleep at 8pm last night.  Waking early, running, working all day, and top it off with a sugar crash.  no wonder.