Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I am so lost right now...

I am so mad right now. But not mad enough to fight back apparently. Which makes it all worse.

I have been a c ouch potato since Friday. Okay, I did try to run on Friday. It didn't go too well, but I was out there and trying.

Since then I haven't left the house. I tried on Sunday evening. Ran less than a half a mile. Gave up and walked home.

I am not sure what's wrong. I know there are a few small things. Okay, not so small.

Room mate issues are weighing me down. More than even I want to admit.

This cold sitting deep in my lungs makes me feel sluggish overall. Makes it hard to want to get out and run. It just keeps giving me an excuse to not do it.

Then when I try to get out there, it's such a struggle.

And let's face it. Just the thought of what I have ahead of me is too overwhelming.

I obviously can not pick back up where I left off. Just the thought of a 70 or 100 minute run is shutting me down. But I have a solution for this. I can switch my training up. Why not start week 1 of my marathon program. It has 4 days.

D1 - easy 30min jog
D2 - 30min tempo run
D3 - easy 40min run
D4 - easy 40min run.

I am sure I can do these. It may take me a day to build back up to a full 30min run, but I can reach that.

So there's a plan in place to keep my training from overwhelming me.

Now, I set out my small stone goals. I have done NOTHING towards my abs. I knew when I set this goal out that it was something I was struggling with. I really don't get why, but it just is.

I only have to do these exercises 3 times this week. There's still time. Heck, I'll give myself credit. If I do two sets of each in one day, I'll count that as two this week. Anything to set myself up for success when it comes to this.

I also wanted to reach 220lbs this week. I can't see that happening. I'm not giving up, but this morning the scale was up to 228. I can't deal with this. I would say it's the scale, but the way my clothes fit this morning....


I just don't seem to have any fight left in me today. I feel weak. I feel tired. I feel like sleeping.

I haven't given up on my goal. I still have to train for that marathon in October, but right now I can't look at the top of the mountain. I am having enough trouble looking at the small stone I'm trying to hurdle this week.

I need all the help I can get this week. I feel so defeated already. I need encouragement to just take the small step I need to take today to get there. Not the giant leap. Just the small step.

I have no idea why I feel like I can't do it anymore. It's not even a matter of being not motivated to do it. For some reason, a part of me feels "why bother. You can't do it anyway, so why try?"

I have no idea where this came from. It actually scares me. Because I know in my head I can do this. Look at all I've done so far! I've basically reached almost every goal I've set out for myself in the past 60days.

So where did this come from? Why am I feeling so defeated?

I need to find a way out of this. I need to decide where I want to be, and find a way to get there.

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