Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Today ... Trying to climb out from under these crushing "shoulds"

I am feeling totally defeated. Have been for a while now.

I have been struggling to get my training runs in. A few reasons. Or should I say excuses.

emoticon It's been too hot
emoticon My training runs are getting longer and longer. Time is becoming an issue for me
emoticon My room mate has me on such an emotional roller coaster...

Okay. Let's face it. The biggest reason/excuse of them all
emoticon I'm afraid I'm going to fail even if I try, so why not self sabotage so I have an excuse for not making it.

I'm completely embarrassed to admit this last one. But it's starting to become apparent to me that it is a HUGE barrier for me to my success.

I'm not even 100% aware I'm doing it. It has taken me weeks of struggling to discover this one.

So what do I do now.

It's been too hot
emoticon Okay, so I can't run outside for as long as I want. I can still work on it. It'll increase my stamina when it comes to hot humid weather. As well, I can run on a treadmill. I just have to find the right times to go to the gym.

My Training Runs are getting Longer and Longer
emoticon Like my boss said, I can break up most of my runs too. Instead of a 2hour run, I can do 2 1hour runs. All but my long slow and steady run once a week. I also can alter my work schedule in order to get in my running before work. Thanks for the support Phil. At least he believes in me, even if I don't...

The emotional roller coaster my room mate has me on
emoticon This is a tough one. I have been trying for months to not let it get to me. It hasn't been working.

The definition of insanity is trying the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome. I have tried and tried. I've talked to him. I've told him why I'm upset and hurting. It hasn't changed a thing on his end. Okay, it's changed a little, but nowhere near enough.

Now it's time for me to change.

Can I make this work without moving out? I have no idea.

I guess to answer this, I need to know what it "working" looks like.

For me, if it's working:
emoticon I will be able to get my training runs in, and nothing he says or does will stop me.
emoticon I will no longer be upset by his crap.
emoticon I will feel more in control of my food choices. I won't feel pressured to eat out, or decide to give in to chips n dip because I'm hurting.

Time to face it. I don't know if I can make this happen living there. I don't know if it's possible at all.

But if I don't want to move, I need to try.

I need a schedule. I need to stick to it no matter what. If I'm supposed to run a total of 2 hours that day, I need to do it. If I get it done early, great. If not, I'd better be willing to get out there and pound the pavement. No matter what.

I need to do this for me.

I need to stop worrying about what he wants, or how he feels, or any of that crap for a while.


If I can't do it there, I need to move. I have another room lined up.

Now for the last, and biggest excuse.

I'm afraid of failing, so I'm self sabotaging.

Wow. That was a mouthful. I am thinking I need an entire other blog to deal with this one. That's what I'm going to do. Step back and look at this one. Figure it out. Find a way to work with this block.

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