Sunday, January 20, 2013

I got on the scale again this morning. My weight is back down to what it was last week. It's looking like TOM really did cause me a lot more stress and frustration than I should have let it.

I'm feeling very drained today. I am still in a bit of pain, but it's all passing.

And I'm scared.

I know. It's silly, but it's how I feel. Time to face it, and find a way past it.

I spent hours yesterday reading a book - The New Rules of Lifting for Women. Then I spent time putting together my training logs on the computer. All I have left to do with them is add on some descriptions of the exercises, and print them off. Printing them means setting up my new printer first. No biggie, but it's something I need to do today.

Then I realized something. As much as I want to start on this new journey, I'm not sure I will. It's a change. I don't do well with change. I can get past that, but add to it the fear of walking into the gym. Not knowing where things are. Or remembering how to lift. Some of these exercises I've never done before....

I used to strength train years ago. I remember how hard it was to start back then. How uncomfortable I'd feel walking in there alone and using the equipment. I was greatful for the equipment design, as I wouldn't need a spotter to do the workout. It was not possible to trap myself in or under things. That gave me a lot more freedom to just get out there and do it.

The new gym here doesn't have that equipment. I hate feeling vulnerable like this. Really hate it. It's what is most likely to keep me from going.

Top that off with remembering how it felt to walk into the "guys" part of the gym and settling in there. It was much better after I was used to the weights, and gaining strength. I could hold my own, and even outlift some of the guys who would try to "laugh" me out of that area. At that point, they were too intimidated to even look my way anymore. I never was bothered again. The new guys who'd start to point and laugh would soon learn I was lifting heavier weights than they were, and not making any of the grunting struggling noises they were. No more hassles.

I know. I should know better. But I have to admit. This is bothering me. Bothering me enough that I'm afraid it will keep me out of the gym.

I need to find my determination to do this. To push past the fear, and just do it. To believe in myself enough to get past the "laughing" I'll hear in my own head for the first bit.

Heck, I need to find a way to laugh with those voices. Enjoy the whole process. I'm not talking about laughing at my attempts. I'm talking about just taking things a little lighter. Just enjoying the process as I go through it. The learning process.

So why does it scare me so much?

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