Monday, August 27, 2012

...but right now I'm so scared of it all.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today. A couple of reasons why.

The first is actually more likely a symptom of being so overwhelmed. I'm not 100% sure what's caused it, but it could be a little bit of everything. I'm home sick from work today. In pain. It's taken me 2 days to figure out why, but I think I'm starting to get an idea why I'm in so much pain. I may have eaten something that could have triggered this as well. The tough part is I haven't been tracking what I eat, so I can't figure out what it was. I've been wracking my brain all day. Still no ideas.

The other part all ties into the fact I haven't been tracking. I signed up for the half marathon in Las Vegas in December. My son and I will be running it. I think I'm worried about it. I know I have 3 months to train for it. It's not my first half. But it is my first race since the marathon in San Francisco. I really hurt myself that time.

I guess I have to admit it. I'm afraid I won't be ready. I've been trying to loose weight for months and months again. Years in fact. I seem to get so far, then give up on myself, or take a break, or whatever you want to call it. The results are all the same. I'm getting no where.

What if I'm not able to do this? Wow, just saying that has made my stomach hurt so much more.

I know what I need to do. I have the 3 month training program. I know what I need to do. I've done it before.

So why is it scaring me so much?

The first week has a 30min run, then a 40min run. I hate to admit it, but I'm terrified of that. For the last month, I can't even seem to run more than 13minutes without a break.

I know what I need to do. I need to clearly lay out a plan. Now I won't give up on me, because I can't. I can't put it off until tomorrow, because there is a clock, and it's going to run out with or without me.

I'm also worried about what effect this will all have on Lee and I. He's such a wonderful man, but I get so tired and have no motivation for anything when I start to push my body so hard. That includes sex. It's almost like all my energy goes into basic survival and pushing myself to do what I need to do. I know that eventually changes - it takes about a week or so. Faster when I start to see progress and am feeling good about what I'm doing. But until then...

I know once I get started, I can do this...

...but right now I'm so scared of it all.

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