It took me a LONG time to learn this lesson, but I think I'm finally making progress.

I've had something rolling round in my head for the past month or so now.

Last Christmas my weight was back up to over 230lbs. It fluctuated between 234 and 239.



Even when we would get dressed up, I felt ugly. All the time. Nothing I did helped.

I hated clothing shopping, so I started to avoid it. The sadness/stress would lead me to eat more, and the roller coaster of feeling completely helpless to loose it all would go round and round.

It was actually made worse by training for a half marathon that summer. I really focused. Trained consistently. Worked hard every workout. But on race day, I was STILL over 230lbs.



I'm honestly too embarrassed to show the video of me really pushing to cross the finish line - everything is "bouncing". Yes, I do have a good sports bra on, but my entire body gets into it. I was horrified to see that.

On top of how horrible my internal dialogue was, my health issues were there again. I needed my asthma inhailer more than once during that race. I needed it during yoga class. It was becoming a necessity to carry it everywhere again. The pains in my stomach were back. Not as bad as they once were, but they were there.

My hubby could not help. He was starting to get upset with me because my internal dialogue would leak out sometimes. He was appauled at how I felt about myself.

He was right. The worst part of this time of my life is how I felt about myself. How I thought others viewed me. How poorly I felt about my appearance.

Things turned around for me. I finally got my nutrition/eating worked out, and lost some weight again.

I am back below 220lbs. Hovering between 213 and 218. This time I'm trying to do it differently.

How do I feel about myself right now? Honestly, I still have a pooch around my abdomen. I still have some weight to loose. But I feel much better than I did at 235. I look a lot different. It's crazy how huge a change such a small amount as 20lbs of weight lost can bring about. When I go clothes shopping, I need to stop reaching for the XL, and many times need to have the sales person bring me a medium, because the L is just too baggy.

This time instead of focusing on how much I still have to go, I'm trying to just be happy with where I am now. The reality is I may not ever get back to Onederland. As much as I would LOVE that, I am learning to be okay with what progress I have made so far. Love who I am NOW. Love what I look like.

I've started to take pride in my appearance again. My hubby has helped me pay for a bit of a spending spree this past month. I've got an almost completely new wardrobe. Instead of buying clothing because I need to, I'm finding things I feel beautiful in.

I've even decided I'm going to train for another half marathon in February. I'm aware that I struggle with my eating when I'm training, but I just have to focus on all my foods, one bite at a time. I have to know if I give in to sugars and processed carbs, I'll crave them. I'm starting to view food as fuel for my body again, not just something to stuff into my face.

I'm not perfect, nor do I ever expect I will be. But I'm not giving up on myself. This time, it's not as important to see constant steady weight loss. Instead, I do not want to go over 220lbs again. No matter what. Once I get below 210, I'll focus on staying in that range. But for now, as much as I want to get lower, I'm celebrating the victory of being below 220 every day when I get on the scale.

The relationship with my hubby is getting better. Mainly because my internal dialogue has changed for the better. Now instead of it being "I hate how I look" it's become more "I love the changes that have happened in my body. I like (working on love) how I look." with a minimal amount of "I want to keep moving forward with this"

There will come a time when "I want to move forward" will come to the forefront again, and I will be ready for it. But instead of pushing pushing pushing all the time, I'm taking it easy. I'm actually trying to see the changes in my body this time. Not just with appearance, but also with my health.

I knew my internal dialogue was keeping me trapped where I was. I wish I could tell you I was able to change it and that changed it all for me. But knowing my internal dialogue can easily take me right back to the beginning of this journey, I am working on it. I am trying to change that dialogue now to become more supportive of my journey, no matter if it takes me back to Onederland or if I end up staying right where I am now. I'm learning to love who I am NOW. And that's not easy.

Tomorrow is the Weigh Out day for my DietBet4

I don't think I made it.

I haven't weighed in in over a week. Last time I weighed in my weight was up. I was 3 days post my half marathon. I know I had some bloating, but it just didn't seem to go away as fast as it usually does. I tried to step up my activity, but I kept getting nauseous.

So the overall feeling is that I slacked off for the past week and a half.

Last week my ex called. He's sick - really sick. He asked me to come and get Mickey - our dog. So this weekend has been a whirlwind. I drove 2 hours to spend the day wedding dress shopping with my mother. Spent the night there. Then 10 hour drive to pick up the dog. I was able to sneak in a 4 hour sleep before turning around and coming home. When I got home last night it was a whirlwind of unpacking the car, trying to get the dog settled - we already have two other dogs - and then I was too exhausted to even feed myself. My hubby took care of that.

Anyhow, I don't eat right when I travel. I actually tend to not eat at all. Then when I do eat, it's too much of the wrong stuff.

Anyhow, now I'm scared to go near my scale today.

I know. My mind knows all I can do is do my best today, and weigh in either tomorrow or Wednesday morning. If I do my best today and tomorrow, I could be in for a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.

So I'm not going near my scale. Period. Now that Mickey is here, we need to get out for at least an hour - preferably two - for a walk today despite the snow that fell last night. Everything is covered. The roads are icy. I'd love to stay in and not go anywhere. But the dogs need the exercise. It'll help them all get used to each other, and it'll help Mickey settle in.

Heck, a half hour run this morning, then an hour walk later today would be ideal.

Time for me to get offline and get 'er done!

Today's Motivation

Day 14 of DietBet10 - Day 21 of DietBet4

I'm back on track today.

I really can't be too hard on myself for this weekend. I walked a half marathon Thursday evening. Friday was off to rest. Saturday I went for a light walk. Within the first mile, I was feeling some pain in my one leg - an indication I needed more rest.

So that's all I did on Saturday.

Sunday I was feeling so down I didn't do anything. Monday too.

But today I changed all of that.

I went to spin class. The plan was to do spin and belly fit, but the nausea I felt during spin class told me to skip the belly fit. It took me a while to get the nausea to pass completely.

I jumped on my bike a few hours later to go out to the store to pick up a few things.

I have already gotten in 2 hours of fitness today. I've worked hard and I can feel it. Time to rest.

Tomorrow, I'm back at work. I will be going to a yoga class at work, but I'd also like to do something else too. There's a No Co-ordination Required class in the morning. I have time to take that and get to work. I could re-schedule my first visit and go to the step and abs class at noon too.

See. Lots of options if you just look for them.

I'm sure hoping this step back up in fitness will help me get the pounds off. When I got on the scale Monday it wasn't good. I know I bloat after half marathons, but this was very disappointing.

I have one week left to the end of my DietBet4, and almost 2 weeks to my first weigh in for my DietBet10.

I need to stay focused. Drink my water. Eat more freggies. And Move more. If I do all of these, then no matter if I reach my goals or not in the DietBet's I'm still a winner.

Day 8 of DietBet10 - Day 15 of DietBet4

Yesterday was a good day. It was my first day back at fitness after being so sick. I was also on track with my water. I ate very low in my calorie ranges - too low in fact. Today I'm planning on eating higher.



I am also starting to get more sleep. That's good to see. I've been trying to not worry about it. In all honesty though, when you are trying to not worry ...


My DietBet10 weigh in progress. I am getting there. Slow but sure


DietBet4 progress.

So for these bets, my deadlines are April 29/30 for the DietBet4, and May 8/9 for the first round of DietBet10. That's two weeks to loose 3.9lbs more and to keep it off for at least a week to win both DietBet4 and round 1 of DietBet10.

That's actually not too bad. Completely do-able.

There are days when I wonder if I can do this. If I'm EVER going to see results. Then suddenly the scale co-operates and I see the progress that helps me to see I actually can do this.

My plan for today:
Drink LOTS of water - it'll help flush out the last of this cold
Eat at least 5 servings of freggies
Find a healthy way to eat at least 1600 calories today - I'm okay with closer to 1800 if I end up that high.

Now for the tough one. I really don't want to do this. I even have excuses to not go out there and do it.
Run.

But I'm running a virtual half marathon on Friday. I'm not sure how smart it would be to push myself today, and then really push on Friday.

I know. It's an excuse. I guess I'm still nervous being so newly over this chest cold. That and seeing the fresh coating of snow over everything outside...

Maybe I can compromise. There is a Step and Abs fitness class at the Leisure Center. I can go right after the Chiropractor this morning. Then leave straight from there for work - I'm taking one of my moms to a baby and me group today. I LOVE hanging out with these two.

Anyhow, if I get in the fitness class. Then maybe a speed walk at the track. It'll count as fitness. I can get in 2 hours worth without pushing myself running so I can rest for Friday.

I think that's the way to go today. 2 hours of moving. Supper is already being planned - tossed salad with grilled chicken breast, and two chicken wings I'll sneak from hubby's plate.

I think I have an awesome plan to tackle today. What's your plan for today?

Day 7 of DietBet10 - Day 14 of DietBet4

Things haven't been going well since I last posted. I've been sick. Chest cold. On the weekend, hubby and I had an overnight road trip. Those trips are harder on my system than I want to admit. I love them, but... To avoid having to stop for a bathroom break aver 5minutes, I cut back on my water. Often I cut back too far and pay for it after the trip. It also involves a lot of eating out.

Needless to say, with the cold I stopped my fitness for a few days to let my body heal.
Not enough water over the next couple of days.

No wonder I'm feeling like a slug on the couch.

At least today I am definitely moving again. Spin class starts in about an hour. Then I'm going to try to do the bellyfit flow class.

Time for me to get offline, fill my water bottle, and get changed into my fitness gear.

I hope your weekend went better than mine

Day 3 of DietBet10 - Day 10 of DietBet4

This one will be short and sweet.

I'm sick.

Full on ill. My cold has moved into my lungs. No cardio for me today. I cancelled work today too. I have a bit of a fever with this cold.

Eating was okay. I did go a little over - I still fall back on my comfort foods when I'm not feeling well. That and the delicious soup hubby made me for supper. Yummy.

Anyhow, off to the city tomorrow. We'll be staying overnight. I'll try to check in tomorrow, but I might not get a chance. I'll be back online on Saturday night.

Hope y'all have a great start to your weekend.