Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I'm off work today. Stayed home sick. Stress. Dehydration. Depression. It's all taking a toll on me.

I have tentatively booked a session with an EMDR therapist. The first session will be via skype. It's more of a background, getting to know where I am and what I'm looking for type of session. I appreciate that I don't have to go in in person for this one. My therapist is over 2 hours away. She's the closest one I could find. Not only that, I seem to have started to connect with her already. I have found 3 therapists "close" to here. One is 2 hours away - $125/hour. One is 4 hours away - $80/hour, and the third is closer to 6 hours away - $120/hour. The second one I haven't really connected with. We've send a couple of emails back and forth, but I'm just not feeling a connection of any sort. I know. It's just email. But I need to feel that they have some sort of empathy and desire to help. I haven't really gotten that.

The third one I have also felt a connection with, but to go there would cost a hotel night with each visit.

The first one does things a little unconventionally. She's an art therapist as well. Uses artistic medium to get emotions out. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I love to dance, but the thought of this kind of scares me a bit. All I feel is anger right now. That scares me too. But maybe learning how to show some emotion though my artistic outlets will help me in more ways than I even realize right now. Maybe the fear is because it's outside of my comfort zone. That's not always a bad thing.

Anyhow, I am making some progress in this area. Not much yet, but forward is forward.

The funeral is on Friday. As much as I don't want to go, I think I need to. For closure. To be there for those that were there for me last fall.

Saturday is the start of the 5% Winter/Spring Challenge. I am so glad it's starting off fairly easy. Tracking all fitness minutes - up to 120/day. Also tracking water - up to 10 glasses a day. It will push me, but it is a nudge of a push. It just might be what I need to get back on track with things.

So today is all about taking care of me. I'm at home relaxing. Deciding what I'm going to do with my day. I need to hydrate - I think this killer headache I've had for 2 days now is from stress and dehydration.

I don't know if I have it in me to do any real fitness.

I can't believe I just said that. No wonder if I can't go running, or spend lots of time at the gym I end up doing nothing.

Why can't I seem to accept that at this point, just taking the dogs for a walk is real fitness? Moving. Period.

Those negative voices in my mind are winning again. emoticon

No wonder I feel so defeated. I can't expect to feel like I can fight through this, when I've got that all or nothing voice playing over and over in my head.

Today is going to be all about lowering my stress. Being good to myself for the day. And drinking lots of water.

I know this blog sounds completely defeated. But it honestly is not. I am fighting back. I'm trying to do what I need to do to help get me better. I bought a book this weekend - The Mindful Way Through Depression. I am really struggling with reading it. Luckily I already know most of what is in the book. It came with a CD. I think I'm going to copy it onto my MP3 player. Listen to it. Maybe while on a walk. Maybe it'll help turn my thoughts back to mindfulness, and help me start to fight off this depression.

My goals for today:
emoticon Drink water. I need to re-hydrate.
emoticon Track everything I eat. Even try to choose fuel over padding today.
emoticon Just take care of me. Relax. Try to go for a walk.

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