Today is DAY 6 - April 30

I am struggling with being tired today. I just want to sleep.

I haven't been sleeping well. I can't fall asleep at night. So the plan today is to fight off the nap, get in some fitness, and do all I can to be able to fall asleep easier tonight.

But right now, all I want to do is curl up on the couch and sleep. It's cold and overcast outside. Even raining. I so don't want to go out in that.

I was at the gym yesterday. Considering how badly I hurt my legs last week, I'm leaning towards not going to the gym today. I really don't want to do that again to my legs so soon. I would go again the next day next time, but this time... It's too soon.

So I'm going running today. I didn't get a chance to up my calorie burn yesterday because of the cold and not wanting to hurt my legs again. I accepted it. Like I accepted needing two rest days this weekend to heal.



This is very true today for me. All I want to do is sleep. I need to decide. What's important to me? Am I going to give up on myself again? Am I going to let this time pass me by? I have set out on this 12 week challenge - 84 days.

I am not in pain.
I am not sick
I am not in need of a rest day (1 in every 7)

So what is wrong with me today? In all honesty, I'm just tired. I know why I'm tired. Exercise will actually help it rather than make it worse.

I just realized, I haven't taken my Visi yet today. I just went to take it. I should be feeling much more energized in about 30minutes. Now to kick start my motivation so I'll be ready to go once it kicks in.






I need to jump start my motivation internally. I need to believe I can not only do this, but it will be so much more worth it than if I just sit here on the couch today.

It would be humiliating when it's time to check in. To have to admit I was just too lazy to do what I needed to do. That I wanted to sit here and nap. I deserve so much better than that humiliation.



The choice is mine. Do I want to stay where I've been stuck for so long? Do I want to be trapped in a 230lb + body? Or do I want to regain my health? Loose the weight? Be able to fit into the cute smaller clothes again?

What is more important to you right now?



I'm at the stick to it part. That means I'm about 3/4 of the way through my process.

As for today - starting will be the hard part.

What is my goal for today? Getting off my butt and getting some fitness in. The more the better, but at this point, any fitness would be great. I'm so tired...

What is my plan? That's what I'm working on now. I'm thinking I should get my shoes on and go for a run. Just make sure I wear enough warm stuff. Tie my shoes, and get out there and burn calories.

Get to work! This is where I'm ... I can't say stuck. I'm almost not wanting to do it. Forget almost. I would rather sit here and veg. Maybe have a nap. I HAVE to get past that. Right now.

This next hour will pass me by no matter what I do. I can either sit here and let it go while I melt into the couch and gain weight, loose motivation, and start to feel bad for letting myself get pulled off track. Or I can make the most of it. All I have to do is go upstairs and get dressed. The tie on my shoes and Lulu. Then take that first step out the door. Go. Once you've made it a mile away, if you are still too tired, turn around and come back. That alone will be enough to count today as a success with regards to fitness.

Besides, your heart rate will never drop if you stop trying. You need to keep going. Keep working on it. One day it will drop, and these runs will feel easier. Maybe they won't feel easier, but you will be able to go farther.



It's going to take so little out of you to just do what you need to do today. Get dressed. Go. Within the hour, you'll be home. You can nap if you want to then.



Now log off, and go prove it!

********UPDATE***********
I'm back from my run. I made it just under 2miles. It's friggin cold out there. It's actually snowing. And that wind. I was dressed for a winter run, and it almost wasn't enough.

I really struggled, but I went. And considering the weather out there, I'm taking it.

I did it. I got it done. I proved to myself I am worth it again today. I'm so proud of my accomplishment. No matter how small it may seem to you, it was HUGE for me today.

What are you going to do today to prove to yourself you are worth it?

Today is DAY 5 - April 29

I have a lot of things to get done today, so I might as well list it.

- go to see Sonja at Envision and discuss a position there
- Sobeys talk to the manager about the floors
- Fed ex call and find out the best way to get the package sent off since they don't come here.
- fitness

there are some other things I could add, but they are not things that need to be done today. They can wait. I'm thinking getting back into my fitness routine is going to be hard enough today. I have taken two days off to heal, and I'm still a little tender. I need to decide just how hard I'm going to push myself today. I want to push to get some fitness in, but not push so hard that I injure myself again.

I've given my legs two days to heal. I'm pretty sure they are good enough to go again.



I am determined to do my best for this challenge. I might be doing it on my own, but I can still do it. I gained this weight. I need to loose it. Support and cheering is awesome, but the reality is I need to do the work. I need to fight off my excuses. I'm the only one responsible good or bad.









I'm going to give it my 100% today. This is the only time I'm going to have today to get this done. This time will pass me whether I make use of it or not. Instead of the time passing and making use of me, I am going to make the most of it instead. I'm going to use it to help myself feel younger, to feel stronger, to reach my goal.

*******UPDATE***********
Just emailed my resume to Sonja after talking to her on the phone. Now to see about her calling me for a sit down interview. I'm sure hoping I hear from her.

Time to get dressed for the gym soon.

********UPDATE**************
Back from the gym now. I really pushed my legs to their limit today. I'm thinking today might be a walking day, rather than running. Just to stretch the muscles out and not hurt them.

Today is DAY 4 - April 28

My legs are still so full of lactic acid. I'm not moving very fast. It is getting better though. I'm going to really up my water today to help flush it out.

I have training today - sitting in a classroom all day long. So today lends itself to another rest day.

My nutrition was right on track yesterday. I'm going to focus on that again today.

I guess it's time for me to get today started. Training starts in just over a hour. I've already had my quinoa for breakfast. Now to just start with the water, and get myself out the door

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday.

Today is DAY 3 - April 27

Yesterday was another successful day. I got in more fitness than I even expected to.

Today is a rest day. My legs are really hurting. I have decided I'm taking two rest days. Giving my body the time it needs to fully recover. It's going to be difficult - not seeing my fitness minutes climb, or my calorie burn - but I need to do this. Yesterday I took it easy on my fitness. I decided later in the day to go for a walk. It did help loosen up my muscles, but boy did they ever lock up after a short rest.

The plan for today. Eat well. Drink lots of water to flush the lactic acid out. And rest my poor legs. It's all muscle aches. Luckily I didn't injure my knee yesterday. When my muscles are aching like this, I tend to change the way I walk and move and end up hurting my hips/knees. Not this time.

I haven't taken my Visi yet. I'm thinking of having a coffee this morning first. Then I can take my Visi an hour after I finish my coffee. Even though I'm not running/exercising today, taking my Visi is part of my 12 week program so I'm not going to skip it. Besides, the way I feel I could use the extra energy to get through the day today.

So that's today's plan. Its a me day. Eat well. Drink lots of water. And Rest

I know it sounds easy, but I have to admit, it's not as easy as it sounds. My first day back at fitness is so much like starting over. It's frustrating. So I honestly hate taking a day off. This time it'll be two days. When I'm not hurting, I need to take 1 day off a week. It helps keep my body loosing weight. Otherwise, its too much, my body stresses and I stop loosing weight.

So I need to rest and heal. I need to find a way to know I'll be okay and I'll be able to get back into my fitness routine when Monday comes around.

I need this. I'm feeling so lousy today that I'm not going for my volunteer training today. Just in case I'm fighting off an illness. I don't want to share it, or get violently ill while I'm there. That's how bad I'm feeling.

Off to take some tylenol, have my coffee, and rest. I hope you all have your plan for today ready to go, and are tackling it.

Today is DAY 2 - April 26

I woke up with some sore muscles in my left leg - right above my knee. Mostly in front, a slight twinge in the muscle in the back. Nothing major. Just enough that I am at risk for an injury today. I know that, so I'll be sure to be careful today. I've decided it's a gym day. No running. Doing both would be too much for my knee.

My workout today is going to be tough enough. I have lunges to do. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to do my best, and allow myself to not finish if it's too much for my leg. It's that simple.

Hubby's off today too. He usually has Fridays off, so it's all good. We just got back from our dance practice at the church. Hubby learned how to do some Waltz - basic box, basic forward, and turning basic. We also worked on night club slow. His shoulder is hurting, so most of today was him working on his footwork. It went well.

So I still need to get to the gym today. It won't be for a long workout, but I should go.

Time to log off and go to the gym.



YES I WILL!

**********UPDATE************
**
Back from the gym. I think my legs are gonna hurt tonight. Lunges and deadlifts. On top of slightly tweaked legs from yesterday. Anyhow, it's all good. I'll take it easy for the rest of today. Run tomorrow - if I can. lol

Today is DAY 1 - April 25

I've been thinking about it for the past couple of days. I've finally decided. I'm not going to put it off until tomorrow.



TODAY IS THE DAY! No more waiting until tomorrow. Or Monday, or next month. TODAY.

My eating is already on track. I had a high protein, low fat, nutrient rich breakfast. I'll be making my salad for lunch here soon. It's so much easier to make it when I'm not hungry. Then it's ready and I don't have to think about it, or fight with it, later.

Fitness:
It's time to focus on what I want to do for my fitness today. What will I do to make me feel successful today.

I'm going to the gym. I'm going to do day 1 of my strength training program. It's easy enough - it won't take me long to get through it. I am not sure if I'm going to dance there today. I need more prep time to start to practice dance there. I need to decide what I'm working on before I get there.

I'm also going to run today. It's a little overcast, but the wind isn't howling today. Later I'll take Lulu out for a run. We'll both feel so much better for doing it.

If I can get both of these done, I'll count that as a success for today's fitness.

This morning, I was realizing part of my problem is I've got so much time. I can always do it later. The reality is, I don't do it later. I put it off all day long. Then I don't want to. It weighs so heavily on me all day long. The stress of that alone wears me out and gets to the point that I do not want to do anything.

I'm not going to let this defeat me anymore. No more letting the procrastination win.

So I've got a good plan for my nutrition. A plan for my fitness as well. It's almost 10am. I'm going to make my salad. Then get my butt to the gym and do what I need to do. Finally home to relax, eat lunch, and take Lulu out after lunch.



no more excuses. Just action.




It's really that simple. Eat well. Move more. That's all you need to reach your goal weight.

You can do this. No one is stopping you but YOU! Enough self sabotage. Get out there and give it your ALL. You deserve it.

*********UPDATE***********
11:30am Back from the gym. Got my lunch salad ready to go and in the fridge.

This afternoon:
- run with Lulu
- keep tracking all my food
- drink lots of water

No Problem. Looks like Day 1 is going to be a success!

********UPDATE*************
2:30 back from my run today. I didn't complete my training, but I'm still okay with it. My avg HR was 144. The biggest reason I'm not completing my training runs is that my heart rate will not drop. I guess it'll just take more time. I'll keep pushing. I can do this.

So that's it for my fitness for today. Knocked it out of the park.

My nutrition is on track too. I need to eat soon - if I don't snack within 30min of my workout, I end up binging all night. I so don't want to undo all the good I've done today.

Saturday and Sunday are going to be a little different. I have volunteer training both days - 9-5. It'll make it harder for me to get my workouts in. Guess I'll have to figure that out before the weekend.

I'm off work today. Stayed home sick. Stress. Dehydration. Depression. It's all taking a toll on me.

I have tentatively booked a session with an EMDR therapist. The first session will be via skype. It's more of a background, getting to know where I am and what I'm looking for type of session. I appreciate that I don't have to go in in person for this one. My therapist is over 2 hours away. She's the closest one I could find. Not only that, I seem to have started to connect with her already. I have found 3 therapists "close" to here. One is 2 hours away - $125/hour. One is 4 hours away - $80/hour, and the third is closer to 6 hours away - $120/hour. The second one I haven't really connected with. We've send a couple of emails back and forth, but I'm just not feeling a connection of any sort. I know. It's just email. But I need to feel that they have some sort of empathy and desire to help. I haven't really gotten that.

The third one I have also felt a connection with, but to go there would cost a hotel night with each visit.

The first one does things a little unconventionally. She's an art therapist as well. Uses artistic medium to get emotions out. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. I love to dance, but the thought of this kind of scares me a bit. All I feel is anger right now. That scares me too. But maybe learning how to show some emotion though my artistic outlets will help me in more ways than I even realize right now. Maybe the fear is because it's outside of my comfort zone. That's not always a bad thing.

Anyhow, I am making some progress in this area. Not much yet, but forward is forward.

The funeral is on Friday. As much as I don't want to go, I think I need to. For closure. To be there for those that were there for me last fall.

Saturday is the start of the 5% Winter/Spring Challenge. I am so glad it's starting off fairly easy. Tracking all fitness minutes - up to 120/day. Also tracking water - up to 10 glasses a day. It will push me, but it is a nudge of a push. It just might be what I need to get back on track with things.

So today is all about taking care of me. I'm at home relaxing. Deciding what I'm going to do with my day. I need to hydrate - I think this killer headache I've had for 2 days now is from stress and dehydration.

I don't know if I have it in me to do any real fitness.

I can't believe I just said that. No wonder if I can't go running, or spend lots of time at the gym I end up doing nothing.

Why can't I seem to accept that at this point, just taking the dogs for a walk is real fitness? Moving. Period.

Those negative voices in my mind are winning again.

No wonder I feel so defeated. I can't expect to feel like I can fight through this, when I've got that all or nothing voice playing over and over in my head.

Today is going to be all about lowering my stress. Being good to myself for the day. And drinking lots of water.

I know this blog sounds completely defeated. But it honestly is not. I am fighting back. I'm trying to do what I need to do to help get me better. I bought a book this weekend - The Mindful Way Through Depression. I am really struggling with reading it. Luckily I already know most of what is in the book. It came with a CD. I think I'm going to copy it onto my MP3 player. Listen to it. Maybe while on a walk. Maybe it'll help turn my thoughts back to mindfulness, and help me start to fight off this depression.

My goals for today:
Drink water. I need to re-hydrate.
Track everything I eat. Even try to choose fuel over padding today.
Just take care of me. Relax. Try to go for a walk.