January 11 Body Media

I didn't have as big a calorie deficit as I have had all week long, but there is still a deficit. 

Today's Kick in the Butt

I think this image sums up a reality many of us are struggling with facing. Not only is fitness a HUGE part of this journey, so is nutrition.

I got to see that this past week. I didn't do much fitness, so I focused on nutrition instead. I got on the scale today. I'm at 234.8lbs. It's not a huge loss, but it's not an increase. I haven't weighed in weeks and weeks. I know my weight went up above 240lbs. I couldn't face that, so I avoided the scale.

But this morning told me I'm on the right track.

I know. Weight fluctuates through the day, and it will likely be back up to 236 again right after breakfast. I won't let that get to me. I'm taking my lowest number of the day as my number. So today it's 234.8

It's the weekend now, and I have all the time in the world. Time to make me a priority. The fitness will have so many benefits.


1. Energy expediture. It will burn calories. Plain and simple.


2. Mood stabilization. I need some way to vent off some stress.

I couldn't really find a fitting pic for this one, but trust me, it happens. I'm pretty sure you'll get what I'm saying.
3. Getting this process started. I know I'm going to have some freak outs. I always do when I start to loose weight. Emotional freak outs. My body also reacts funny. Tries to get me to eat everything in sight. I need to keep track that I'm eating enough proper fuel, and not padding.





I think about this journey, and how I am progressing - or lately not progressing - on it. I'm frustrated daily. Many times a day. The only way to stop this is to give up on myself and just get really fat, or do something about it. I can't keep sitting here doing nothing and waiting, waiting, waiting.



I know better than to expect overnight results. But if I want to get to the finish line, or the top of this mountain, I need to start taking steps. Yes, I'm proud of the steps I've started to take this week already. Now to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The hardest pound to loose is that next pound. You have either been sitting on it for far too long, or you worked your butt off to loose that last one. Either way, the next one is so much more work than the last one. You can't sit back and think "I've done so great yesterday, I can stop today" NO WAY. There is always something to do. If it's your fitness rest day, focus on nutrition, water, and sleep. Those play a HUGE roll in this journey as well. Or if you are like me, you don't have many rest days. I tend to focus on one area one day, and another the next. So the rest day for the first area, is a workout day for the other. With one exception. I do have one day off a week. I try to save it for the end of the week. But if I'm sore, sick, whatever, I will use it. ONLY ONE A WEEK. So once it's used, there is NO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE for not getting dressed and getting out there.


Deep down in my heart I know this. Now to just make my outside match it so the rest of the world can see it.

Check In

I've been pretty good with my goals all week. Mind you, they may not have been the exact goals I started out with, but progress is progress.

Water: I've been drinking 6 glasses a day. I need to step this up.

Blogging: I've been blogging every day on my positive thoughts blog. It's really helped. I had a rough day today, but found it not so bad to cope with.

Financial: I have to mail my cheque, but that kind of had to wait until today anyway - it's payday today. Then my TFSA is all set up and ready to go. As well, I got the information I wanted on GIF's and mutual funds.

This week, Hubby and his friend wanted me to book us all a trip to Las Vegas. So it turns out there will be 6 of us going to Vegas for a week. I'm struggling with that. His friend is a lot to handle. And the way he talks to his girlfriend does not sit well with me.

Anyhow, I can find a way to make this work I'm sure.

One goal I've met and didn't even know I was working towards it:
Food. I've tracked all my food every day since Monday. And I've stayed within my calorie range easily.

I tried on a jacket this morning that was way too tight, and its a little looser. I was proud of that until hubby laughed at me because of it - but that's a whole other story.

I am really happy with this progress, even though it's just a little step. It's still a little step in the right direction.

So, although I didn't meet all of the goals I set out, I did do something.

I'm counting this week as a success.

Tomorrow I'm going to gear up for next week: meal planning, groceries, laundry, planning to go running, deciding what my small stone of the week will be, etc.

Small stone of the week Jan 6-12, 2013

I'm starting out moving in the wrong direction with almost all of my goals. 

Babysteps in the right direction will get me there so much sooner. 

So this week is to find the babysteps that I will do better this week than I did last week to make progress to the top of my mountains.

This week I will:

- drink at least 8 glasses of water/day

- finish setting up my TFSA's - more for my financial mountain, but it needs to be done. 

- find me time every day.  Keep blogging on my positive outlook blog daily, and start to consider how I'll be able to be more online for my fitness blogs - for food tracking, kicking my own butt to get moving, etc. 

Rather than set up too many goals to meet this week, I'm going to start small.  If I meet all three of these, I'll be moving in the right direction again.  Something I haven't done in a long LONG time. 

Re-evaluationg my mountain for 2013

I'm still struggling to find a balance.  Things in life are changing again too.  I'm moving to a new office with work on Monday.  It's the same job, but a new location, and new hours.  Instead of 8 hours/day, it's necessary to work up to 10 hours/day at this new location.  I am okay with overtime.  The pay is already arranged to be siphoned off into savings.  I'm excited for that.

Now I need to find a way to get my fitness and weight loss goals into all of this. 

It just seems that I can't make any progress what-so-ever in that area.  I know how to do this, but...

I know.  We've all heard the story before.  Other people saying it.  We've even heard ourselves saying it. 

All I know is I'm not happy right now.  I need to change that. 

I'm starting at a new location.  That will take care of the stress that I was under at the old office.  It was a small town.  Typical, if you don't participate in the gossip and spend your time cutting down everyone around you, ....

Add to that, the time I needed off for family funerals - yes there were 3 deaths in the family from late September to Christmas.  It really sucked.  And the time I needed off for my mothers health issues.  Then I actually missed about 4 days of work spread throughout that time because of illness myself.  I spent most of December in the office quite sick, but didn't want to stay home the entire time. 

So it just all got out of control. 

This move to another office will be good.  It's much smaller, and I know the other girl I'll be working with.  She's great.  Also not as afraid of her computer and electronic office solutions as they were at the last place. 

I've gained weight, and can't seem to get it off.  That's the main reason for this blog.  To track my progress and keep myself on the right track to loose weight.

I miss dancing.  More and more each day.  I have a plan in place to fix this issue.  I'm so excited, but my Hubby doesn't seem to share the same excitement.  I get that, but I wish he wouldn't start to sabotage my efforts.

I have no money.  Nothing.  So I'm setting up retirement savings.  I seem to be on a good track for that too.  I have a separate blog that is helping me track that progress, and journey.

Depression is starting to take over my life again.  I need to fight back.  But when I'm feeling so lethargic because of lack of exercise and poor diet, it's all snowballing and I feel like I'm drowning.  I am trying to fight back though.  This blog is to help me with my weight loss/fitness issues.  I have another blog where I'm trying to find something positive every day to be grateful for.  I am hoping it will help me turn my thoughts from negative towards the positive.  Start to attract the positive into my life - kind of like The Secret.  Maybe it's time to read that one again.  And The Four Agreements. 

I guess those are my mountain I want to tackle:

- weight loss.  Get back down under 200lbs

- running.  I'd love to run a half marathon in under 2:57.  That's my personal best so far

- dancing.  I want to get back into competing.  And if Hubby's up for it, I'd love to teach him too.

- depression.  I need to get out of this negative rut I've been stuck in for so long now.

- finances.  It'll help me to see that I've got a growing nest egg to retire with, rather than the believe I'll be living in a piano box under a bridge.

- musicality.  I have ordered some Violin lesson books and the things I need to get back to learning to play my violin.  It will be hard without an instructor around here, but I'm looking forward to see what I can do on my own. 

- reconnecting with my kids.  I still feel so disconnected from them both.  It breaks my heart to not have a closer relationship with them. 

Those are all huge issues on their own.  Each a mountain in it's own right.  Some of the journeys up these mountains overlap.  Weight loss and depression are very closely tied.  Running and reconnecting with my son can be tied fairly closely - he's interested in running another half marathon with me.  Finances is not taking too much of my time right now.  I've been setting up ways to help the growth.  Now it's basically time to sit back and watch the growth happen.  And of course dancing is very closely tied to fitness, and surprisingly closely tied to depression as well.  I have a passion for dance, that makes me happy. 

Finances are being taken care of, and I'm tracking that journey in it's own blog.

This blog is going to be mainly for my weight loss/running.  Tracking my progress.  Finding out what I'm lacking so I can change it. 

How do I find the balance?

I had the most success when I can spend time blogging. Basically kicking my own butt out the door. My daily Kick in the Butt blogs. They really helped motivate me. Get the blood flowing. Get the determination going to get out there and kick some butt.

I'm even noticing that now. I spend some time blogging and going through my motivational images, and I want to get out there and kick some butt - namely the fat I've got stored on my own butt.

I already get up at 5:30am to get to work. I leave 1/2 and hour after I get up - I start work at 6:30/7 and am done at 2:30/3. I like that, and don't really want to change that.

I don't know if getting up earlier is an option. Off the top of my head, and seeing as it's winter and cold and dark, I'd say NO WAY.

But the reality is that's the best answer for me. Give myself a half hour to blog. Then an hour to get dressed, go running, and cool down. Then I'll need time to bathe, dress, and get out the door for work. When I get up at 5:30 I can almost do that, if my lunch is made and I know what I want to wear for work that day.

So basically, that means setting my alarm for 4am. No hitting snooze. 4am up and out of bed. No discussion.

But I have to admit. I'm likely to spend that first half hour wishing I was still in bed. Probably trying to convince myself to just go back to bed. That it's too cold.

I am NOT a morning person. No where near even pretending to be one.

I tried to blog the night before, and tend to just not put my heart into it. I'm gearing down for sleep. I'm tired. It's hard to talk yourself into a frenzy as you are gearing down.

If I do it as soon as I get home from work, I KNOW the couch will reach up and grab me by that fat on my butt I'm trying to kick. It always does. I just want to sit and rest for a few more minutes...

I don't think the company will look too fondly on my blogging at work, even if it's during some of my own time.

I really don't know what is the right answer for this.

In an ideal world, I would be awake and able to wake up and blog for at least an hour before I start to kick my own butt into action. Then I blog my Kick in the Butt for the day. Go out and do it. And be so proud of getting it done. That's how I was able to do it in the past. But that was when I was off work.

So how do I find the balance?

I don't want to fight with my own body and force it to do these workouts day in and day out. That's just setting me up for failure.

I am starting to know my own "rhythms" and how to work with them.

Just tossing ideas around. Maybe I can get up earlier and blog a bit. Lee won't really like that, but I need to do what I need to do for me. I'm going to have to find a way to help him realize it's not taking away from us. It's for me to fix and build up me so I can be a better me in our "we". Maybe I can get some good mojo flowing before work. Find what will motivate me for that day. And be packed and ready go running right after work. No coming into the house and sitting down. Let the dogs out. Go straight into the bathroom to change, and out the door.

That might be my answer. And if I didn't hate my job so much right now, that might just work. But I'm worried about the job. Working for 8 hours at a job I hate so much just might deflate me from wanting to do my best after work.

I know. I sound so fickle. And maybe I am. But I know me. I need to work with my body to make this work. I've been trying to fight it and expect my body to eventually fall into line. It doesn't work.

Sept 10 BodyMedia

Didn't get in quite enough fitness, and ate above my calorie range. 

BUT I tracked everything.  First time in weeks and weeks.  It's going to give me a starting point.