Today's Kick in the Butt

I'm sitting here. Shivering. 2lbs heavier than I was last time I blogged.

Yes, life got in my way. I had a deadline, and a lot of baking to do for it. For the most part, I didn't do too badly during that week. I was so busy baking I didn't have time to get into trouble, or eat any crap.

But this past weekend was not good.

Anyhow, that's past. I can't change it. I can only affect today.

All I want to do is sit here under a blanket. I've been shivering cold for a few days now. The temperatures have dropped. I'm not used to it.

I know that if I get out and run, my furnace will kick in and I'll not only be warm while running, but for quite a while afterwards.

I know I need to get moving again. It'll help my blood flow, which will also help warm me up for much longer than just my run.

Running will help kick start my metabolism into high gear.





Move more. Eat Healthier, Drink Water, Sleep. That's the magic recipe to loose weight.



So if I know all of this, why is it so hard to get out the front door? Heck, today it's tough to even get dressed.

I guess it's true what they say. The hardest part is starting.

I have a different kind of day for work today. I have a couple hours this morning, then another shift later this afternoon. I have some running around to do, but it's all manageable. I'm picking up a tv for my daughter tonight after work. So that leaves my 3 1/2 hour break this afternoon mostly open. That'll give the sun a chance to come up and hopefully the wind to die down, but I doubt it.

Anyhow, today's plan is:
drink water - at least 8 cups
eat for fuel today, not for padding
Track everything I eat to help keep me on track
Get on my shoes and run W1D1HM after my morning shift - its' too late to go out right now to get it done.







You've got that wedding dress to look great in in March - just under 4 months from now.

Today's Kick in the Butt

Yesterday was a difficult day. I wanted to get so much done. And I actually did do a lot. But I did not complete everything.

My first thoughts are that I didn't have a successful day. I tried to run - it didn't go well. It hurt. A lot. But even with the pain, I still pushed through and did 75% of the workout before I really started to question myself. Am I listening to my body? Should I be pushing through this pain? I tried, but the pain never went away, so I stopped.

I got about 80% of the rest of the things on my list done, but again, not all. Realistically, I set the bar pretty high yesterday, so I'm not too upset about this

Despite my first thoughts of counting yesterday out as not a success, I realized something. Compared to the day before, I put in 200%. I accomplished much more.



Isn't that what this is all about? Progress, not perfection?

So it's time I stop "should"-ing on myself. It's time to realize I AM doing something. It may not be perfect, but as long as I did better than yesterday, it's progress.

Today's Goals:

at least 8 glasses of water
as much as I don't want to, I need to get out there and run again today.
Track every bite of food, and be aware of nutrition vs empty calories.

All I want to do is sink into the couch again. I know why I didn't do very well on yesterdays run. I am working to rectify that.

But it's still so hard to get my shoes on and get out there.

I have a break from work - I don't need to be back at it until 3pm today. Okay, maybe I should get back around 2:30, but no big deal. I can push things off if I need the time.

What I shouldn't be pushing off is getting my shoes on and running.

I've already got in 6 glasses of water, and have started on the next 6. So water is good. Food has been okay for a while now. My calories are low, despite having some "fun sized" chocolate in the house. I don't believe in all-or-nothing, so I'm not judging the fact I am eating some chocolate. Moderation is preventing a binge.

All that is left to count today as a success is a run.

So what's my excuse? Am I going to let my excuses be bigger than my dreams?







*****UPDATE*****
Okay, I agree. This sounds feeble. But I'm accepting it as today's reality.

I just found my mp3 player. It's not the one I was using before, but a new one I purchased this summer. It took me an hour to find it, and upload my running trainer to it.

My afternoon time is now gone.

I have other "excuses" too. But I'm going to accept that today I'm not running.

*sigh* And I wonder why I can't seem to make any progress..... 

My Mountain

I have so many things ahead of me right now. It's overwhelming.

Enough letting it get to me. Time to start defining my mountain.

I want to go back to school and earn my MSW
I want to run the hypothermic half in February
I want to be in the best shape possible for my wedding - 3.14.15
I want to stop this depression that is trying to take me down

I know that's not a very clearly defined mountain, but it's a start. That's enough for me for today.

Today is the only day I have control over. Today I can do something to reach these goals, or I can just sit here and not make any progress. It's my choice.

What can I do today to take a step towards these goals?
- run. I can get out and run. I may not be able to find my Garmin, but I can run without it if I need to. I have a fitness monitor. I don't even know if I can find my mp3 player with my running trainer on it.

Looks like I've got to find my mp3 player, or buy another one. I really need my hand held when I start this journey. For me, that means having my running trainer tell me when to run, when to rest, and when I'm done. Easy enough to fix - cheap at Walmart.

- I can find my running gear
- I can register for the race
- I can eat well and hydrate

Once all of that is done, I can rest. Let my body recover, and spend some time visualizing my goals. Maybe better define this mountain I'm about to climb.

**********UPDATE************
 Look at that. 2 minutes of looking and I've found my Garmin. It's charging now. I can't wait to update later today with more good news.

Starting out on a journey to conquer a new mountain

Realized today I've got a mountain ahead of me again. That thought started to overwhelm me, as a thought like that often does.

But then I remembered how I've climbed this mountain before.
I worried I wouldn't be strong enough to do it again

I remembered just how strong I am - not only when I'm progressing, but even right now. I'm strong enough to take that first step.
I'm strong enough to not let the mountain ahead overwhelm me, but to just focus on that next step.

One step at a time. I believe I can climb this mountain again.

Do I know exactly what the top of the mountain will look like? No, but I have a pretty good idea. I also know how can shape what I want that mountain top to look like and work towards those specific goals.

For today, I'm going to take that first step. The next step to climb that mountain. And when that's done I'm going to rest, and enjoy the opportunity to imagine what I want to achieve. Spend some time visualizing.

Finally, finish the day strong with a plan for tomorrow to take that next step.

It took me a LONG time to learn this lesson, but I think I'm finally making progress.

I've had something rolling round in my head for the past month or so now.

Last Christmas my weight was back up to over 230lbs. It fluctuated between 234 and 239.



Even when we would get dressed up, I felt ugly. All the time. Nothing I did helped.

I hated clothing shopping, so I started to avoid it. The sadness/stress would lead me to eat more, and the roller coaster of feeling completely helpless to loose it all would go round and round.

It was actually made worse by training for a half marathon that summer. I really focused. Trained consistently. Worked hard every workout. But on race day, I was STILL over 230lbs.



I'm honestly too embarrassed to show the video of me really pushing to cross the finish line - everything is "bouncing". Yes, I do have a good sports bra on, but my entire body gets into it. I was horrified to see that.

On top of how horrible my internal dialogue was, my health issues were there again. I needed my asthma inhailer more than once during that race. I needed it during yoga class. It was becoming a necessity to carry it everywhere again. The pains in my stomach were back. Not as bad as they once were, but they were there.

My hubby could not help. He was starting to get upset with me because my internal dialogue would leak out sometimes. He was appauled at how I felt about myself.

He was right. The worst part of this time of my life is how I felt about myself. How I thought others viewed me. How poorly I felt about my appearance.

Things turned around for me. I finally got my nutrition/eating worked out, and lost some weight again.

I am back below 220lbs. Hovering between 213 and 218. This time I'm trying to do it differently.

How do I feel about myself right now? Honestly, I still have a pooch around my abdomen. I still have some weight to loose. But I feel much better than I did at 235. I look a lot different. It's crazy how huge a change such a small amount as 20lbs of weight lost can bring about. When I go clothes shopping, I need to stop reaching for the XL, and many times need to have the sales person bring me a medium, because the L is just too baggy.

This time instead of focusing on how much I still have to go, I'm trying to just be happy with where I am now. The reality is I may not ever get back to Onederland. As much as I would LOVE that, I am learning to be okay with what progress I have made so far. Love who I am NOW. Love what I look like.

I've started to take pride in my appearance again. My hubby has helped me pay for a bit of a spending spree this past month. I've got an almost completely new wardrobe. Instead of buying clothing because I need to, I'm finding things I feel beautiful in.

I've even decided I'm going to train for another half marathon in February. I'm aware that I struggle with my eating when I'm training, but I just have to focus on all my foods, one bite at a time. I have to know if I give in to sugars and processed carbs, I'll crave them. I'm starting to view food as fuel for my body again, not just something to stuff into my face.

I'm not perfect, nor do I ever expect I will be. But I'm not giving up on myself. This time, it's not as important to see constant steady weight loss. Instead, I do not want to go over 220lbs again. No matter what. Once I get below 210, I'll focus on staying in that range. But for now, as much as I want to get lower, I'm celebrating the victory of being below 220 every day when I get on the scale.

The relationship with my hubby is getting better. Mainly because my internal dialogue has changed for the better. Now instead of it being "I hate how I look" it's become more "I love the changes that have happened in my body. I like (working on love) how I look." with a minimal amount of "I want to keep moving forward with this"

There will come a time when "I want to move forward" will come to the forefront again, and I will be ready for it. But instead of pushing pushing pushing all the time, I'm taking it easy. I'm actually trying to see the changes in my body this time. Not just with appearance, but also with my health.

I knew my internal dialogue was keeping me trapped where I was. I wish I could tell you I was able to change it and that changed it all for me. But knowing my internal dialogue can easily take me right back to the beginning of this journey, I am working on it. I am trying to change that dialogue now to become more supportive of my journey, no matter if it takes me back to Onederland or if I end up staying right where I am now. I'm learning to love who I am NOW. And that's not easy.

Tomorrow is the Weigh Out day for my DietBet4

I don't think I made it.

I haven't weighed in in over a week. Last time I weighed in my weight was up. I was 3 days post my half marathon. I know I had some bloating, but it just didn't seem to go away as fast as it usually does. I tried to step up my activity, but I kept getting nauseous.

So the overall feeling is that I slacked off for the past week and a half.

Last week my ex called. He's sick - really sick. He asked me to come and get Mickey - our dog. So this weekend has been a whirlwind. I drove 2 hours to spend the day wedding dress shopping with my mother. Spent the night there. Then 10 hour drive to pick up the dog. I was able to sneak in a 4 hour sleep before turning around and coming home. When I got home last night it was a whirlwind of unpacking the car, trying to get the dog settled - we already have two other dogs - and then I was too exhausted to even feed myself. My hubby took care of that.

Anyhow, I don't eat right when I travel. I actually tend to not eat at all. Then when I do eat, it's too much of the wrong stuff.

Anyhow, now I'm scared to go near my scale today.

I know. My mind knows all I can do is do my best today, and weigh in either tomorrow or Wednesday morning. If I do my best today and tomorrow, I could be in for a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.

So I'm not going near my scale. Period. Now that Mickey is here, we need to get out for at least an hour - preferably two - for a walk today despite the snow that fell last night. Everything is covered. The roads are icy. I'd love to stay in and not go anywhere. But the dogs need the exercise. It'll help them all get used to each other, and it'll help Mickey settle in.

Heck, a half hour run this morning, then an hour walk later today would be ideal.

Time for me to get offline and get 'er done!

Today's Motivation